Adolf Hitler: Time-jacker

There’s a screenplay in here somewhere. Imagine a time not too far into the future. People are disappearing. Abductions? Every scene shows signs of a struggle, but no one can figure out how the killer is getting in and out without a trace. Evidence is minimal. DNA on the scene doesn’t match anyone living — until one renegade federal agent thinks outside the box and taps into the international database for both living and dead. He gets a hit…

Adolf Hitler.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Europe — like where that giant collider is or something — a small group of scientists are close to perfecting something that mankind has only dreamed. Time travel. As the lead scientist, Hans Gustaffson, is about to initiate the final test with his equally brilliant son, Lars, the lab begins to quake. The lights go out as if an EMP has hit the facility. Space-time warps right in front of their eyes. A wormhole forms out of which springs an exact replica of the time travel module they have been working on. Out steps…

Adolf Hitler.

Adolf is wearing Armani and sporting an Apple Watch. His signature mustache is accompanied by a Portland-esque beard. He looks at young Lars.

“Good to see you again, mein freund.”

Lars is confused. He’s obviously never met Hitler before. Especially not a John Woo version of him.

“Moments after you and your father complete this machine, you decide to do history a favor and rid its pages of its most sour passages. The ones written by ME!” Hitler explains. “But you didn’t count on one thing.”

Hitler reaches into the time travel module and emerges with Lars’s severed head.

“I attained my success by stepping on the heads of people like you.” He kicks Alternate Lars’s severed head at Hans. As Hans cowers, Hitler produces a futuristic electric gun labeled “Amazon Deathcaster,” fires a blast of rainbow colors, and leaves Hans a burnt husk. Lars desperately dives into the original time travel module, frantically pushes buttons and disappears into time.

“Run, run little Lars,” Hitler says as he types a review for the Deathcaster into his iPhone 36s (three out of four stars). “I have all the time in the world.” Maniacal laugh.

Smash cut to 2003. Retired Interpol agent Mason Bridger has just published his much anticipated tome on Adolf Hitler. He has run the publicity circuit over the weeks since publication, and he is now considered the world’s authority on the evil dictator. At a book signing in Geneva, a 12 year-old boy walks up with the heavy book in his hand. He asks Bridger to make the inscription out to Lars.

Lars Gustaffson.

Just as Bridger hands Even Younger Lars the book, the bookstore starts to quake. Space time bends, and a time travel module appears. Out of it walks 25 year-old Lars, mortally wounded from a stray blast of the Amazon Deathcaster. He explains to Bridger what has happened.

In an alternate timeline, Lars and his father completed the time travel module. Filled with hubris, Lars decided that he had to go back in time and kill Hitler. But he failed. Hitler got the jump on Alternate Headless Lars and stole the module for himself. With it, Lars surmised, Hitler can travel far into the future and using advanced knowledge backtrack through history taking out anyone with ambitions of traveling through time to kill him. That’s why people have been disappearing.

Hitler is time-jacking them.

Lars dies in Bridger’s arms. Younger Hans and Little Lars recognize the module immediately — but it had only been a dream in Hans’s head.

“Can you operate it?” Bridger asks. Hans isn’t sure. “Well you’ll have to learn.”

Hitler needed to be stopped. He may have a head start. But Bridger has three things to his advantage. Okay, four if you consider his rugged good looks. He’s got special forces training, two of the most brilliant scientific minds in the world (even though one is 12), and now he’s got a time machine. Okay, maybe that’s five things.

Adolf Hitler: Time-Jacker
A Michael Bay Film


Medium humor. Large laughs.


Christopher Daniels (Notorious DCI)

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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