Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

  1. Always stand when a lady enters a room, and never sit back down.
  2. “Like” everything you can on Facebook. There may come a time when you can’t.
  3. Don’t blink. Ever.
  4. Linus didn’t need that blanket.
  5. Always take your phone in the bathroom with you. You never know how long you may be.
  6. It’s more like, “Jack of a lot of trades.” Nobody’s that good.
  7. The pocket square ain’t for snottin.
  8. Life is more than a series of connected events and personal relationships, probably.
  9. Mantles are there for a reason.
  10. O. J. totally did it.
  11. Craps is a usually a dice game but not always.
  12. Listen to the wind, and always — ALWAYS — do what it tells you.
  13. A china cabinet is for dishes and not what you might assume based on the name.
  14. The only rugs worth having used to be animals.
  15. Don’t worry about comma splices, they’re totally fine.
  16. If you meet a one-armed man with the last name LaVerne, do not tell him who you are.
  17. When you shake a man’s hand, look him straight in the forehead. He’ll think you’re looking in his eyes, but you’ll know the real story which gives you the upper hand.
  18. A dog is never a person. It’s a dog even if it’s wearing glasses.
  19. Always fly first class. According to Home Alone there’s free champagne.
  20. Never play hide and seek with a blind man. You think it’ll be easy, but they’ve got heightened senses, remember?
  21. Confidence.
  22. Don’t name your son Gary. I know there are adults named Gary, but it’s weird to picture a little kid named Gary.
  23. Romantic comedies are only good for one thing: nothing.
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