Advice from My Anxiety
Hey Kel, everything is so great right now. SO GREAT! Here are the following things that could make it all come crumbling down: Cancer (lung, liver, bone, brain and skin), getting fired, tornado hitting house, house erupting in hellfire, dogs spontaneously combusting, husband turns out to be con-man and/or serial killer, friends start to hate you for not-yet-determined reason, all the water in the world runs out and you have to learn how to punch-fight for sips, getting burgled, California falling off map; taking sister with it. Let’s keep going. It’s only 3 a.m. This is productive.
Hey Kel, you prolly shouldn’t have kids because you can’t afford it and you would hate them and be the worst at it. On the other hand, when you’re on the precipice of comfortless death and the nurse just wants you to die so she can go out for a drink, you’ll sure wish your dumb vagina squirted out a dumb kid. But probably best to just equivocate about it until menopause happens to you.
Hey Kel, you think your alarm is set to the right time? I bet it’s noooooooooooooot. Want to go ahead and check one more time?
Hey Kel, what’s that thing on your face? Is that a PIMPLE? Grab the tweezers. No, no. Steam it. Ugh, what? Stop. Just stop. But damn can’t you feel it IN your skin? What if it’s more than a pimple and it’s some kind of face tumor and they have to remove half your jaw and children shriek at your image? Remember that story about that lady who had a spider growing in her face? Was that an urban legend? Probably not you jawless spider face. You should probably mess with it some more. Well shit, it’s a scab now. WAY TO GO.
Hey Kel, remember when your boss sent you that email? Was he MOTHERFUCKING PATRONIZING YOU? Write him back. Write him back now. Get a second opinion about what he really meant. Just to be safe, make sure and trust no one’s opinion but keep on asking them because I promise they won’t get tired of that.
Hey Kel, you did great at that party. If great means everyone throwing a second party when you left to celebrate you leaving the party. Probably better quit speaking to any sentient, bipedal being.
Hey Kel, you know what you need? A fucking change. Have you ever thought about going bald as a motherfucker? Because I believe that you have the bone structure to be a billiard ball with lipstick. Or what about bleach blonde? Whatever the case, you should probably just GO FOR IT RIGHT NOW and if your hairstylist can’t see you RIGHT NOW, you should probably should just try it yourself. A week from now is an incomprehensible amount of time between you and your badass hair. Whatever you do, do not think about the potential repercussions or how you might feel about it six months from now.
Hey Kel, remember when you were bad mouthing that coworker over dinner? Do you know who was at a booth behind you, hiding and listening and probably crying? Can you guess? I can…… It was FOR SURE that coworker. So, enjoy avoiding her from here on out every time you see her in the kitchen and bathrooms and hall, you dumb twat. You know what you should do? You should text her and feel her out. I bet you can tell from her texts if she‘s mad at you.
I’m going to be here forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. *Evil smile*
