All The Situations Where It’s Fine To Ask ‘How Do You Like Them Apples?’

Otherwise, you’ll just sound weird.

Photo by Natalie Grainger on Unsplash

1. You are in charge of quality testing at a large apple facility.
2. You run a multi-channel apple delivery service.
3. You are a quiz show host and a contestant has just won a million dollars on any fruit-related question.
4. You are a taxi driver in a screwball comedy from the1930s and you have just finished a long rant about that crazy rush-hour traffic.
5. You are a Mafia capo who just shot a rival because he was caught sleeping with the boss’s wife in an orchard.
6. It is the end of the month at the elementary school where you teach. The other teachers have maybe 30 apples each. You, on the other hand, have over 100! They are in a sack. You climb on a desk and empty them out all over the floor in front of the stunned losers.
7. You sort of look like Matt Damon.
8. You are William Tell’s son. You and your father are on your way to the usual target practice. You’ve just noticed this weird tree with all these really tall hat-shaped apples on it.
9. You are John McClane and you have just blown up the terrorist’s secret apple-powered bomb warehouse.
10. You hate Sir Isaac Newton and his stupid ‘gravity’ theory. One day you are arguing with him about it when you walk past a whole field full of apples, all of which are hovering a few inches over the ground and making a gentle buzzing sound.
11. You suspect your date is sexually attracted to fruit, but you need to be sure.
12. The planet B’Taar has just been invaded by the Stlruuxlx, an ancient alien race that look exactly like apples. So much so, in fact, that most other aliens in the galaxy just call them ‘them apples’ rather than use the unpronouncable word ‘Stlruuxlx’. You have the B’Taar ambassador on the universe phone and want his opinion of the situation.
13. You are Steve Jobs.

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