All The Times Paddington Bear Visited Me During Sleep Paralysis Trying To Secure Funding For Paddington 3
It was 3:00 AM on my birthday when Paddington Bear first came to me during sleep paralysis.
- It was 3:00 AM on my birthday when Paddington Bear first came to me during sleep paralysis. I was glued to my bed in a night sweat, staring at the corner of my bedroom, when he suddenly reared his soft head into my line of sight. “Hey, it’s Paddington,” he said, petting my leg. His eyes darted around as he nervously explained how Paddington 3 was going to be a massive three-way-crossover of the Muppets, Trolls, and Paddington universes, but he hadn’t yet secured the needed funding. I tried to tell him I didn’t know about Hollywood funding or anything like that, but I was paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak, so he kept explaining how the crossover would work for four more hours.
- I woke up at my in-laws’ house and this time Paddington was petting both of my sleep-paralyzed legs at the same time. He goes, “This one is going to really fuck up Marvel, and all that,” which was for sure a reference to Paddington 3. He added: “We need at least $30 million to make this film and I have no idea where Hugh Grant is.” He looked super desperate, which I totally understood, but I was deeply wedged in paralysis and couldn’t budge. Otherwise, I would have explained to him that I’d never heard of Hugh Grant.
- I accidentally fell asleep in an old hammock and awoke to Paddington the Bear stroking an ostrich feather duster across my leg. He said, “Hey, you woke up, that’s great,” and recapped a Zoom call he just had with all these other bears who were willing to throw down cash for Paddington 3. He insisted there was a decent chance this installment could be just as heartwarming as the first two and it might even make a push for “Best Bear Show.” That sounded impressive even though I didn’t know what that show was. I kept listening to him talk about the Zoom call as the paralysis ruled my motor control.
- I passed out giving blood in a truck by Union Square. I came to and realized my nurse was Paddington Bear dressed up in nurse clothes. He was lightly running an empty blood bag across my thigh when he pulled down his mask and spoke to me from his bear snout: “I swear to God we are inches away from pushing this thing across the finish line.” I was pretty sure this was about the funding for Paddington 3 again. He said at one point Paul Schrader was attached to the script but the first draft was all about bears getting mohawks so they had to fire him. That bummed me out because Paul Schrader is someone my dad likes.
- I was watching one of those stressful baking shows when Paddington the Bear popped up and smacked my knee. I didn’t think I had sleep paralysis or that I was asleep, but it turns out both of those things were happening. The deranged bear started frothing at the mouth while he barked, “28 million dollars for the production of Paddington 3 is honestly doable.” At that point, I was really hoping a studio would pull through for him. Then he took out a cigarette and started chewing on it and that part weirded me out a ton.
- The last time Paddington Bear visited me in the depths of my sleep paralysis was on a one-way flight to Shaker Heights. He was propped up in the middle seat swinging the polyester seat belt over my leg, looking way older and pissed off. I couldn’t move my head anywhere else, so I looked dead into his plastic eyes while he berated me about failing the industry and bears in general. He swore on his children that if I didn’t help him find a way to finance Paddington 3 he would beat the shit out of me and crash the plane before it got to Shaker Heights. I believed him and wished he would’ve been less mean about it. Thankfully, he settled down and said sorry for that stuff, then promised I could direct Paddington 3 and be Hugh Grant for the next one too. I was really excited to help him out with this classic saga, but he crawled under the seat and I never saw him again.