Alternative Presidents To Celebrate This Presidents’ Day
As much as I love getting a day off from my job at the bank, given the current state of the world, I can’t celebrate Presidents’ Day as its inventors intended: honoring the past and present leaders of the greatest country on earth and buying mattresses. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to take the day off and buy my annual mattress, but this year I’m celebrating other, non-partisan presidents instead. So should you.
1. Ralph Ashcroft
Ralph Ashcroft has been president of First National Savings Bank for over ten years, overseeing six branches and 15 ATM vestibules in the tristate area. President Ashcroft really cares about his customers and the community. He set up online banking for easy deposits and created a scholarship in honor of the victims of that New Year’s Eve crash. Also, he’s my dad.
2. Dr. Claire Sutherford
Dr. Claire Sutherford is the president of my alma mater, Blackridge State College. She’s a woman, but has the title of president, which is really cool and progressive. For transparency’s sake, I will note that she’s a hard ass when it comes to the honor code and has a completely unreasonable definition of plagiarism. She also refused to speak to my father when he called to discuss my academic probation and said she didn’t know who he was? So keep that in mind if you choose to celebrate her.
3. Tim Wilkins
Lincoln High School Class of 2012 President Tim Wilkins had a never-ending drive to get results, whether he was advocating for new vending machines or convincing me to give him a blowjob in the backseat of the BMW my dad got me for my 16th birthday. Had things gone a little differently, we could be married right now. You know how they say women marry men like their fathers? Well, Tim just wasn’t enough like my dad, a man who supports me no matter what I do, from causing a scene at Target after being accused of shoplifting the Beats headphones that were tucked under my sweatshirt to getting banned from eBay for selling stolen Beats headphones.
4. Chris Ballew
Chris Ballew was the lead singer and bassist of The Presidents of The United States of America. After recording hits like “Lump” and “Peaches” with the band, he became a children’s entertainer going by the name Caspar Babypants. I bet he’s a good father. But not as good as mine, who goes above and beyond, even forging deposit records to make sure no one noticed that $50,000 went missing the day I was in charge of closing up the Yorktown branch. (He never did find that money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
5. Président® Butter
I had this butter in France when I went on a father-daughter trip last summer to celebrate finishing the traffic school I was forced to do following a little New Year’s Eve fender bender. Président® butter is so much better than the Land O’Lakes my mom buys. She’s like the first lady of First National Savings Bank in that she’s married to the president and doesn’t accomplish much except picking out china. She didn’t come to France and said I shouldn’t be rewarded for “being a serious threat to public safety.” But me missing Paris wasn’t going to bring that family back. I paid my debt to society in the form of a weekend at traffic school, a $500 fine that my dad’s lawyer got waived, and a completely ruined New Year’s Eve. Anyways, this butter is totally presidential because of the name and the fact that it rules.
6. John F. Kennedy Ashcroft
John F. Kennedy Ashcroft, a.k.a. President, was our English bulldog. A dog is man’s best friend, but a girl’s best friend is her dad. Mine certainly is! President was a good dog, except for the time he swallowed the Tiffany Bean necklace my dad got me after that juror screamed at me. I got a new necklace, but I wouldn’t stop crying, so President had to be put down. During the funeral in our backyard, I looked up from texting and saw the tears in my dad’s eyes as he dug a hole to bury the dog he’d wanted his entire life. That was when I knew he’d do anything for me. Every girl should feel so loved by their dad — and their president.
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