“Am I A Saint?” Your Grocery Store Cashier Will Now Tell You
Grocery store cashiers are now officially trained morality judges. When the cashier hands you your receipt, they will also deem you saintly, terrible, or somewhere in the middle. Your score will be based on the following criteria:
1. Do you bring your own reusable grocery bag?
- Yes. (+10 points… But we are not that impressed anymore.)
- No, you forget your bags in your trunk and use the store’s paper bags. (-10 points)
- No, you forget your bags in your trunk but don’t use the store’s paper bags either. You tell the grocer, “I’m good,” and attempt to hand-carry your eggs, cheese, hummus, cereal, and spinach. (-20 points… We pity you and know you will never eat that spinach.)
2. What cart do you grab?
- The one in the parking lot deposit area. (+1 point)
- You ask the mom with three children in the parking lot if you can take her cart when she’s done to save her a trip back to the store with her screaming children. You make it seem like she’s doing you a favor and it is not, in fact, that you pity her terrible life choice of procreating with a man who does not grocery shop or babysit his children on the weekends. (+20 points)
3. How do you interact with other shoppers?
- You tell the dad shopping with his 1-year-old child, “What a good dad! I bet mom is relaxing!” (A cheat code for +10 points. You get the credit, but you should feel cheap.)
- You comment on the food in people’s carts. (-5 points)
- You look in someone’s cart and say, “Are we having a party?” (-100 points)
4. How do you interact with the store employees?
- You go up to the samples table and say, “I’ll take some cheese,” too loudly because your AirPods are still in. (-20… How about “May I please have…?”)
- You take your AirPods out, make eye contact with your cashier, and say “Hi.” (+10 points)
- You take your AirPods out, make eye contact with an employee, and say, “How is your day going, *name on nametag*?” (+30 points, you get 30 points, okay?)
5. What kind of food do you buy?
- The organic kind. (+10 points)
- The local kind that costs five times all other versions. You just must shop local. (+1000 points… God’s work.)
- More than five of any one thing. (-20 points… What are you doing with 10 jars of pickles, weirdo?)
6. What do you do when your 5-year-old points out the chin hair on the woman in front of you in line and everyone overhears?
- You calmly and without shame provide an explanation that seemingly makes everyone in the store feel better about themselves. (+100 points)
- You loudly say, “Oops, we forgot to get Joe-Joe’s,” and exit the line, then hide in the frozen section until everyone has checked out and the cashier has changed shifts. (-10 points… Be better.)
The score is like your Uber rating. It’s cumulative, and the only way to increase your score is to be less terrible at the next grocery store. Don’t want to be judged by your cashier? Opt for grocery delivery where your worth is directly proportional to your tip. Throw some money at your morals and call it a day.
