An Accountant Uses Your Favorite Crystals to Explain Your Fiscal Year

You put the rock in rock bottom.

FLUORITE: brings order from chaos
Let me shoot straight here. Your finances are a disaster. “Reiki’d Over The Coals” is hemorrhaging money. Turns out combining spiritual healing with hot yoga was not a compelling business model. You have no income, no insurance, and I’m only doing this pro-bono as a favor to your mother. I have no idea how a rock can help you get your life together, but…start.

FUCHSITE: helps accept human flaws
Everyone makes mistakes. Like when you had me invest thousands of dollars into “Qi-coin.” Accept that you’re upside down on your mortgage.

OLIVINE: bestows wisdom
You need to bone up on money management. Whip out some Olivine when reading these books I got you on finance. And bankruptcy. And pseudoscience. Oh how’d that one get in there? Maybe read that first.

APOPHYLITE: regulates bodily functions
I once had a client soil herself when I told her she defaulted on her student loans. So. I think you see where I’m going here.

HEMIMORPHITE: balances male/female energy
Ah, the battle of the sexes. Who does finances better? It’s not a contest, you pig. But between you and your husband, it’s definitely not you. The IRS is putting a lien on your house, so you may want to lean on whatever this is.

TOURMALINE: protects from nightmares
Sleep is going to be crucial in the coming months, especially with the government cutting into your paltry pay and your husband filing for divorce. Your life may be a waking nightmare of garnished wages and chi-based shame, but your sleep doesn’t have to be. I guess this one does that.

LOLITE: cultivates the kicking of addictions
With your new, pared-down lifestyle, you’re going to have to cut back on some of the small indulgences you’ve become addicted to. Like Tarot cards. And bangles. And food.

MORGANITE: alleviates stress and anxiety
Look: bankruptcy, divorce, and home foreclosure would get to anyone. Keep a little bit of this crystal around, even though its just a hunk of pink crap. Wait, had I mentioned the foreclosure?

GOLD: combats depression
Apparently gold is known for combating depression with you people. And now that you’re broke, homeless, and alone, I can see why you might need that. But it’s also pretty useful as, you know, money. Hock all your gold for cash. Immediately. Your last-ditch bet on the World Series of Horseshoes is a total bust, and Vegas Charlie will break your kneecaps.

AXINITE: heals bone tissue
Apparently this piece of slag will help heal your broken kneecaps or whatever. And once you’re recovered, with your bankruptcy complete, you can finally start again from ground zero. Of course since you still don’t have insurance, it’s more like ground -$182,787.

CHRONITE: time travel
Lmao. You wish.