An Age-By-Age Guide To Explaining Steven Tyler To Your Child
Steven Tyler has a pet raccoon named Bandit. Why? I don’t know. Nobody knows why that man does anything.
INFANT
At this age, your little one’s soft, underdeveloped brain is physically incapable of comprehending the complex fascinations and horrors of rock n’ roll powerhouse Steven Tyler, so talk about him to your spouse as you normally would, no explanation necessary:
“Hey hon, wanna make like Steven Tyler and have sex like a gun: just aim, shoot, and run?”
TODDLER
Incorporate factoids about Steven Tyler’s little eccentricities into typical age-appropriate lessons:
“Ducks say quack! Pigs say oink! Cats say meow! And who else says meow? That’s right, Steven Tyler in Nine Lives, the first song on Aerosmith’s twelfth studio album, Nine Lives!
Let’s meow like Steven Tyler together: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAHWWW WHOAW WAAAAHOW WAAHHHHOUOUOUAWAW!!!!!”
You’ll also need to explain that Steven Tyler’s impression of a cat is wildly inaccurate.
