An Amazon review of adulthood

What if you could get adulthood on Amazon?

★★★★★ Exactly what I needed! June 3, 2003
I’d heard about this adulthood thing from a few friends, so I caved and had to try it. Good thing I did, because wow, so awesome.

As soon as my adulthood arrived, I graduated from high school (thank GOD) and got myself ready to head out to college, where I’ll learn so much about myself and meet all these amazing new people (yay!). So yeah, right outta the box, the adulthood is working great!

The adulthood arrived in great shape, almost no damage during shipping except for some leftover teenage angst and self-esteem issues. Otherwise, awesome! It even had that new adult smell of Axe body spray!

Love love love this adulthood. Highly recommend!

Update 1

★★★★☆ Still going strong! May 20, 2007
It’s been four years since my first review, so wanted to provide an update on how my adulthood is holding up. Good news: It’s still going great. Four years in, the adulthood’s durability has been put to the test with all-nighters, stressful exams, and awkward college relationships. But throughout, it has helped me learn more about who I am as a person. Just as the adulthood was advertised to do during these college years.

However, I deducted one star because the adulthood did not really land me the cushy post-college job it promised it would. The adulthood supplied a string of unpaid internships, which was NOT a part of the original product description. Trying to explain these to my parents’ friends at parties was an unpleasant experience. Worth noting before purchase!

Update 2

★☆☆☆☆ What the fuck happened?!?! November 20, 2009
So… what the fuck! It’s been two years since my last update, and let me tell you, this adulthood is a total piece of crap. WORTHLESS! DO NOT BUY!

The adulthood I got has put me in the middle of a terrible economic recession. I can’t get a job, despite months of looking. So I started up a company of my own, only to have it fail miserably.

All my friends have moved away. I feel lonely. I’ve gained 30 pounds. I’m living with my parents, and while there’s no shame in that, it’s just not what I’d envisioned as my ideal adulthood. I feel lost. I don’t know what to do.

This isn’t what the adulthood I ordered was supposed to be like.

By now, I should’ve been making bank and living the good life. Like in all the rap videos and movies I watched in high school. That’s what the adulthood promised in its product description. That’s what all my older cousins said would happen when I got my adulthood. So what happened?! No response from customer service, despite repeated attempts to find out! Buyer beware, this adulthood is a total letdown! Do not buy!

Update 3

★★★☆☆ Some positives, but also negatives! June 15, 2013
Hi shoppers. It’s been five years since my last negative review, so wanted to update you on my adulthood in case you’re considering purchasing.

On the plus side, since my last update, I decided to put everything I had into getting a job as a creative in advertising. Guess what, I did! It took all my energy, time, and networking skills, but it finally happened. I’ve been learning so much about the industry, and it’s a great job I love going to every day, so the adulthood has proven itself valuable here.

It turns out my adulthood also came with 2 cats, and they arrived recently. This has been interesting: They are very cute and affectionate. But they also puke in my shoes and leave hair everywhere. However, I see them as a positive feature of the adulthood, overall.

I still deducted a few stars for the adulthood’s shoddy craftsmanship. Specifically with regards to how poorly it prepared me to deal with serious relationships. All my friends’ adulthoods seem to be working just fine, since they’re getting married and having kids. Is my adulthood a defective one? Does it have something to do with the aforementioned two cats?! I called customer service, all they said was “This is all a part of the adulthood.” WTF kind of answer is that? So disappointed.

Update 4

★★★★☆ Despite setbacks, still going strong. December 15, 2015
There have been more problems since my last update. But rather than deduct stars, I actually found these setbacks to be positive aspects of the adulthood. I’ve learned a lot about myself because of the disappointments the adulthood has brought me. In a weird way, the negative parts of the adulthood are actually positive!

I was in the hospital a few times since my last update. It had to do with a condition I’ve had as a child, but it still rattled me. You’d think I’d deduct major stars for this one. However, out of this experience, I came to appreciate the value of good friends and family who support you during difficult times. It also set me on a path to get the most out of life and leave nothing on the table. I guess adulthood is a more complicated, nuanced product than I initially thought!

I still deducted one star because I turned 30 this year. WTF, adulthood!

Update 5

☆☆☆☆☆ Major malfunction. November 8, 2016
Another update. Today was Election Day and my trusty adulthood completely broke down on me. Major malfunction. Zero stars!

I’ve also heard reports of many others having adulthood malfunctions today. Class-action lawsuit??? At very least, a product recall is needed!

Update 6

★★★★★ A durable product! December 20, 2016
Last update to my adulthood: It’s still going strong, despite all the ups and downs. Some days I need to shake the adulthood to get it to work, other days it works just fine as is. But overall, for the adulthood to stay so durable after all these years is a testament to the product’s craftsmanship. Made in the USA, all the way!

I’ve learned the adulthood takes years to learn how to use properly. There’s a huge learning curve, but eventually you really appreciate the complexity of the product. In fact, I still have a lot more to learn about using adulthood to its fullest potential.

Since my earlier negative reviews, the adulthood has caused me to lose 20 pounds, to live a healthier lifestyle, and to fulfill my professional dreams. It’s certainly also brought challenges my way. But like before, these challenges have taught me a ton about who I am, and where I’m going from here.

Overall, for anyone considering getting adulthood, I recommend it! If your adulthood comes with cats, I suggest adding some lint rollers to your Amazon cart, as well!

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