An Apology For The Best Man Speech I Delivered At Dracula’s Wedding In Which I Referred To Him As “That Weird Bat Fuck” 9 Times
I am not proud of my behavior.
I have reflected and grown so much in these 24 hours since I delivered my best man speech at Dracula’s wedding in which I referred to him as “that weird bat fuck” nine times. It is my hope that in presenting the speech below and offering my sincerest apologies, I am taking the first step towards earning Dracula’s trust back, as well as anyone who was in attendance that was hurt by my poor choice of words.
Gimme that mic. Boy, I didn’t think that weird bat fuck would ever stop talking. When Dracula asked me to be his best man, I said, “If I can’t make it to this wedding, I’ll definitely do it at the next one.” That weird bat fuck has more wives than there are ticks in a field. [Dracula shouts that the Mummy, not me, is his best man and tells me to get off the stage.]
Speaking of bloodsuckers, congratulations are in order to your lovely new bride. I know you’re the vampire, Drac, but I hope you signed a prenup before tying the knot with this one. Nah, she’s all right. But be careful, sweetheart. That weird bat fuck only has three weaknesses: garlic, wooden stakes, and alimony checks. [I pretend not to hear Dracula’s hisses as I check my notes.]
It’s nice to be here in Dracula’s home of Transylvania, dreary and grey as ever. Seriously, that weird bat fuck is so pale that he’s looking whiter than a ghost. [The ghosts in the audience moan in despair.] Count, I’m begging you to have the honeymoon in Hawaii. A few rays of sun won’t kill you. [I remember that sunlight can in fact kill Dracula. Desperate to change the subject, I pull out the T-shirt cannon I rented and fire it into the audience. The Wolfman is hit directly in the eye with a shirt that reads “Dracula Sucks” and he leaves to go get an ice pack.]
As most of you know, I spent a lot of time chained up in that weird bat fuck’s basement while he tortured me for trespassing in his castle. But what you may not know is that I invited an old friend of Dracula’s here today to help us celebrate! Professor Van Helsing, come on out here! [Dracula flips a table over in anger.] I’m kidding, he’s not really here. [I begin vigorously shaking my head “no” at Van Helsing in the back, who gets the message and runs off. Only Jack Skellington seems to notice and I make a mental note to pay off that corrupt bastard so he doesn’t tell anyone.]
I see the Creature from the Black Lagoon is here, dateless as usual. [Creature emits a high-pitched shriek.] Don’t worry Creature, if even that weird bat fuck has found nuptial bliss, there’s hope for the rest of us. [I stop for a moment in drunken contemplation and decide to go off script.] I joke that Dracula is that weird bat fuck, but what does that make me? A goddamn loser, that’s what. Where’s my vampire bride? I can’t do anything right. [A deeply uncomfortable silence falls over the room.] I can’t even fill a goddamn invitation card out properly. I checked off fish even though I hate goddamn fish. [I hurl my dinner plate at the wall, smashing it to pieces.] That weird bat fuck has it all. A castle. Dozens of wives. A widow’s peak so sharp you could slice a steak with it. Meanwhile, I’ve got NOTHING! [I realize that I’ve lost the audience. I laugh to try to convince everyone I was joking, but the damage has been done. Dr. Frankenstein wrestles me to the ground and injects me with a tranquilizer. I stand up and dust myself off.]
Anyway, this is all my way of saying that I’m happy for that weird bat fuck. He may be a serial killer and a walking nightmare come to life, but I’m still proud to call him my best friend. [I raise my glass, but the tranquilizer kicks in and I lose consciousness until I awake chained up in Dracula’s dungeon.]
You know, as I look over the speech, I actually don’t think it’s that bad. That weird bat fuck is probably just miffed that I didn’t get him a wedding gift. I’ll buy him an air fryer and this whole thing will blow over by tomorrow. Hopefully, it’ll secure my invitation to the monster mash this year, too!
