An Eight Step Guide To Dating In Your New City

Photo by Crew on Unsplash

Being in a new city is terrifying, but one thing you can definitely count on is the new meat market you’ll be surrounded by! We know the dating pool in your last city wasn’t up-to-par, and things are bound to be easier and sexier here. We’re here to help you make a smoother road to finding love now that you’re settled in. Put on your freshest deodorant, and let’s get started!

1. Scope out the market in every single place you go. Being new to a city has some great advantages, like a fresh meat market! Coffee shops or bus stop benches are a great place to read The Alchemist to show potential partners you’re cultured, woke, and well-read. Each time someone new walks in, make sure to look up at each passing newcomer so you don’t miss a meet-cute moment where you lock eyes and share mysterious gazes.
2. Realize you’re not as stylish in your new city as you were in your previous lamer city, so come to terms with it! Spend a shameful amount of money on crop tops you’re not sure you look good in that to make you look like a fun and flirty 25-year-old who still pops molly on Thursday nights instead of your usual persona of a single 48-year-old nanny who is covered in dog hair and coffee stains that never came out in the wash.
3. Join a dating app to meet other single people with ease. Make sure to research the app that will work best for you. Are you looking for a mediocre hookup you’ll pretend never happened? An absent boyfriend that gaslights you? A God-fearing guy who wears Rock Revival jeans and has a neck thicker than his biceps? There’s an app for that, and, to be honest, you’ll probably try them all.
4. Make a plan with the first person who is willing to meet up with you. They ask you out for a drink at 9 p.m., and you say, “Sounds great!” even though it does not actually sound that great since you had already made plans to take your bra off and binge on cheese and Grey’s Anatomy. Tell them you’ll reschedule. Block their number.
5. Delete your dating app(s) after you receive one too many unsolicited dick pics and were shocked by the amount of guys who proudly admit they voted for Trump. Convince yourself that you don’t need to be dating since you just need to “take roots” and “get to know yourself” in your new surroundings.
6. Cry alone at home alone while you drink rosé and eat spaghetti while sitting on the floor since you spent your hard-earned money you were saving for chairs on those stupid crop tops you’re now regretting.
7. Call your mom because all of your other friends are out on a Friday night in your old city and won’t answer your FaceTime attempts. Try your hardest to keep her on the phone as long as possible by asking her if she’s seen any familiar names on your hometown’s police logs.
8. Pour yourself another glass of wine, and re-download the same dating app you just quit and start again because you’re wiser now. And lonelier. Definitely lonelier.

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