An Email From The Church: What They Wrote Vs. What I Read
The Church and I are out of sync, but I can still speak their language.
What They Wrote:
Dear Mr. Gomez:
From your last email describing your current status with the Church, it would be best to wait until you are established as a Parishioner before baptizing your new baby.
What I Read:
Dear Lapsed Catholic Millennial:
We see right through your scheme to get your kid baptized so your super-religious grandparents will hook you up in their will. Do you think this is our first rodeo with a millennial who barely remembers to attend church on Christmas? We get this email all day.
What They Wrote:
Baptism, along with all of the sacraments, are gifts from God and are not to be taken lightly. As a parent presenting your child for baptism you are promising to raise your child in the Catholic faith. It is a great responsibility that the parent must undertake. None of the sacraments, including baptism, are magic.
What I Read:
I know you’re just going to turn around and make fun of this entire exchange, just like you did when you chose St. Hilarious as your confirmation name just so you could say it in Dave Chappelle’s son’s voice … “Nick Cannon is St. Hilarious.” — Goshdamnit, this is serious business! This isn’t some Harry Potter magic spell bullshit, this is God’s work!
What They Wrote:
Further, upon reviewing your own baptismal records, I am sorry to see that you were baptized by a Deacon who, according to the official Archdiocese ruling, used an incorrect phrasing of the Church’s ancient baptismal formula. This calls into question the status of your own baptism and subsequent sacraments, thus nullifying the eligibility of your own child to be baptized.
What I Read:
Actually — TBH — this is absolutely some Harry Potter magic spell bullshit. Also, the priest who baptized you said the incantation wrong; it’s “Levios-I-Baptize-You,” not “Levios-WE-Baptize-You.” Long story short, your baptism didn’t count so you were never a real Catholic in the first place. Stop wasting our time.
What They Wrote:
Additionally, Faith, for both children and ourselves, must be nourished through attending Mass, formation, and receiving the Sacraments on a regular basis. Your lack of relationship with the Church calls into question your ability to fulfill these basic requirements.
What I Read:
I know your kind. You’re not going to give us a dime moving forward, so we’re not going to waste our time with you…
What They Wrote:
Should you choose to start to live more seriously in your Faith, we would gladly point you toward the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults, a four-phase process that will teach you how to live as a Catholic.
What I Read:
… unless you’re like totally serious about getting back into the Church, in which case we’d gladly string you along with an outdated process intended to indoctrinate you into our beliefs, ultimately giving us plenty of touchpoints in which we can work our monetary collections into your weekly budget.
What They Wrote:
Until then, thank you for reaching out regarding your child’s baptism, and I wish you nothing but blessings in your journey toward Christ.
What I Read:
Who am I kidding? You’re just doing this for your family’s money. Well, so are we, so you can fuck the fuck off you dirty common infidel.
What They Wrote:
Grace Abounds!
What I Read:
Boy bye.
