An Expert Budtender’s Guide To The Marijuana Strains You Bought For Your Long-Anticipated Creative Retreat
Hello Sensitive Creative! It’s me, expert budtender Terpene Tim, here to guide you through The Joint Compound’s most popular marijuana strains. Congrats on finally making it to your long-awaited week upstate to do nothing but write, and thanks for making a detour to my boutique dispensary here across state lines. Welcome to the Berkshires.
Most budtenders would use words like “Euphoric,” “Relaxing,” and “Body High.” But not me, I know far too much about you and my cornucopia of herbal delights to be that generic. Regrettably, the effects of THC can vary depending on the individual and since this individual is you, an anxious and slightly neurotic writer, you can plan on the following effects:
OG Kerosene is a sativa marijuana strain, which means it is best for daytime use. Consumers say this strain makes them feel buzzy with a motivating head high, but unfortunately it will have you bouncing off the walls in weed-induced mania. Good thing there are no neighbors to see you. You’ll be motivated alright, motivated to google every name in your Airbnb’s guest book and guess which ones had sex in the bed you’ll be sleeping in. You won’t get much writing done, but you will come up with 45 new titles for your already-submitted short story about having a crush on your step-brother. Stay away from this strain, developed by carnies to keep alert during their double shifts, if you want to fall asleep.
Lancaster Kush is an indica marijuana strain, developed in Amish country to help sooth its user though long dark electricity-free winters. Use this when you need to wind down after your crazed day googling Gary and Elaine from Westchester who definitely came upstate to do some kinky shit. We know that indica means in-da-couch, so light the fireplace and put on those sweatpants, you’ll be catatonic. For the next 5 hours, you’ll experience couch-lock while making no attempt to justify the fact that you were maniacally “researching” all day and couldn’t get any pages in.
Truckstop Haze should be next on your list. It’s a hybrid strain, allowing you to feel the negative effects of both indica and sativa. You’ll be too lazy to write and too distractible to read that new flash fiction anthology you brought for inspo. This might be a good time to make a list of all the books that you could have written, if only you had the time to do it. Prepare to eat your weight in cold cuts, this strain is an appetite stimulant originally developed by erstwhile hitchhikers who got to take home a cut of the deli profits at the World’s Largest Truckstop in Walcott, IA.
Cream Puff is a solid choice to follow the above. It’s a rare sativa dominant hybrid, developed by radical, militant nuns in Ottawa. By the time you make it to this one, you’ll be completely obsessed with your appearance. You will eventually need a headshot for your new book cover. That’s why filling your photo roll with selfies from every possible angle is exactly like writing. Only one problem: you still haven’t figured out how to smile without making your head look like a pumpkin. Are those your mother’s jowls coming in? You’re only 32!
Jellybean Casserole is another sativa strain, the botanical equivalent to rocket fuel, for when you’re ready to strap in and channel your psyche onto the page. The origin of this one is a bit of a mystery; some say it was developed by a recluse playfully called “Serial Killer John”. Remember those intrusive thoughts you had in college? They’re back! Now you can hear the judgements of all your imaginary internet haters who thought your last essay was sophomoric. Maybe Mr. Delano was right to advise a STEM career. Why did you even waste your time learning to read? Also, did you hear that? The door is locked, right? You did tell at least one person where to find your body, right? What is going on with your body, by the way? Is that a lump or just a new place to develop jowls?
Mince Pie is the indica strain you’ll need for the last days of your stay, this one developed by underpaid teachers struggling to afford classroom supplies. After trying the other strains, you’ll find this one sits well with you. Even if your tongue feels like sandpaper, you are someone who would rather be semi-conscious than paranoid, self-loathing and self-obsessed. Did you have creative goals for the week? Here’s a new one, write an exhaustive essay on the 22 seasons of Love Island you’re about to binge.
