An Instructional Guide To Dating A Green Thumb
Should you wish to engage in a romantic relationship with someone who has an affinity for house plants, there are a few things of which you must be aware. I will preface this by saying that owning house plants is not a “red flag” like excessive body odor, being rude to wait staff, or ordering steak well done, but it is beneficial to learn more about this often-misunderstood group if you wish to make a fruitful relationship.
Upon entering their premises for the first time, you may be overwhelmed by the high humidity, earthy smells, and crawling insects. Do not panic; this is normal. However, it would be wise to count how many plants inhabit the space to make a sensible judgment of the person’s character and well-being. 1–10 plants make them a casual green thumb who uses plants for either decoration or fill the void of not being able to afford a dog. 10–25 would make them a hobbyist who dedicates 1–2 hours a day either watering, looking at, or talking to them. Anything more than 25 is considered obsessive, and the individual should be approached with extreme caution and may require you to assess your level of romantic desperation.
Your romantic interest may introduce some intimidating vocabulary such as propagation, guttation, or commitment. Do not be scared of the unfamiliar jargon and resist the urge to impress your prospective partner by pretending to know. Doing so will likely backfire when they inform you that fruits are, by definition, swollen ovaries of a flower, and now you can no longer stand the sight of an apple. Instead, ask questions about the green thumb’s hobby. They will more than likely oblige your curiosity, or at the very least find it cute.
Should the relationship flourish, first of all, congratulations for making it this far, but you should also be prepared for a few other scenarios. A green thumb’s adoration for their collection is contagious; you will see how their little –or large– green friends not only add value to their life but are also quite beautiful and charming. Tread lightly. If the love of plants is not managed correctly, you will find yourself lost in a labyrinth of greenery from which few return. To avoid this natural hellhole, limit your access. I would recommend purchasing either a snake plant or a cactus as they are aesthetically pleasing, easy to care for, and shows your partner that you are interested in plants but have no hope of competing.
After months into the relationship, the number of plants in your partner’s space will increase dramatically and clutter the area to a stressful degree. Under no circumstances are you to suggest they reduce the size of their collection. You will unleash a monster armed with cactus needles and garden trowels that no amount of ice cream or chocolate can tame. Instead, use this as an opportunity to show you care. Gifting or installing a shelf is a perfect way to reduce the clutter while also acknowledging the plants’ importance to your partner.
You must be aware of the grim reality that plants are living entities and will, therefore, die. Green thumbs tend to deny this reality only to come home one day and find their inch plant has shriveled, desiccated, or been devoured by the housecat. Your significant other may take the loss with the equivalent sorrow of losing a family member, getting laid off from work, or finding olives on their pizza. If a plant dies, comfort your partner. Be there, show them some love, ideally in the form of olive-free pizza. DO NOT attempt to diminish the significance of the plant’s death. You may want to say, “It’s just a plant. You can get another.” but imagine going to a funeral and saying, ‘She was only your aunt; you have another one right over there.’ In their eyes, it’s the same thing.
Finally, prepare for the time when the plants are getting more love and attention than you. Let’s face it, plants are less complicated than people and are, therefore, easier to love. Should you suspect that those little green brats are stealing your partner, seek revenge, but not in a way that brings your partner pain. Killing the plants is not an option. Instead, convince your partner to accumulate more plants. This may seem counterintuitive, but your partner will eventually become overwhelmed by all the pruning, watering, and propagating (whatever that means) that they will quickly develop a disdain for them. The plants will become a burden, and they will turn to you for comfort rather than the plants. Congratulations, you have successfully manipulated your way back into a healthy relationship.
