An Interview with the Genius Who Taught His Wife to Self-Soothe

Can you Ferberize your spouse? This innovator did.

For the sake of anonymity, I have changed the names of the husband and wife in this story.

I heard her crying the moment I walked into the house. “Sorry,” Chad shrugged. “Shannon just got home from work. It was a rough one today. One of her clients blew up at her. She kept it together until she got home, but you know how it is. Once you get back to a safe space, it’s okay to be vulnerable. Anyway, she’s crying it out. It usually doesn’t last longer than 10 or 15 minutes.”

I can hear Shannon calling Chad’s name between sobs. It’s painfully obvious she could use his presence and touch, but he stays strong. “I want to open the door and comfort her, but it’s so important that she strengthens her coping skills and independence,” he says. “Who knows how long I’ll be around?”

Chad, you see, practices the Cry It Out method. But he doesn’t have any kids. He uses it on his wife.

One year ago, Chad and Shannon were struggling. He didn’t have the energy or the skill to connect and engage with her on a daily basis. What’s more, the time the couple spent talking filled him with resentment because he couldn’t do the things he wanted to do. “Knowing your wife inside and out, being her best friend, caring deeply about who she is as a person…it’s impossible,” he said. “I kept telling myself, ‘there has to be a better way.’”

Chad’s light bulb moment came when he and Shannon babysat their 5-month-old nephew. “My sister had just put Jaxstynn down for bed and she was giving us instructions for the night, but we couldn’t hear her because the poor kid was howling,” Chad said. “Literally sounded like a wolf.

“I was like ‘Don’t you have to go in there? It’s so obvious that he needs you.’ but my sister said, ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. We use the Cry It Out method. Never go in there under any circumstances. He feels better and falls asleep eventually.’ My mind was blown. I instantly knew this was the secret to turning my marriage around.”

Once the new routine was established, Chad says the difference was night and day. Whenever Shannon is frustrated by her husband’s emotional incompetence (a daily occurrence), crying soon follows. But when this happens, Chad carries her to bed, turns out the lights and shuts the door. There’s plenty of crying, but she falls asleep eventually. “She even sleeps through the night on a regular basis now,” he says. “So proud of her.”

With the surplus in free time, Chad has more opportunity to play Xbox with The Boys. Or play golf with The Boys. Or go out with The Boys. He talks a lot about The Boys, you guys.

When I mention the fact that Dr. Richard Ferber, architect of the Ferber method, never used the phrase “cry it out” in his book, and that he wholeheartedly disapproves of leaving a crying child in a crib for long periods alone, Chad’s eyes become angry for the first time. “What are you saying?” he asks.

“What I’m saying,” I tell him, “is that the Cry It Out method is maybe—just maybe—more for your benefit than it is for hers. It’s okay to comfort her. It’s okay to show her through your presence and physical touch that she’s not alone in this world. You think you’re helping her gain independence, but what you’re actually doing is teaching her how to bottle up her emotions, how to never trust others, how to think you’re a giant douche.”

“Compelling words,” he says. “I’ll take it under advisement. Now can we wrap this up? Don’t wanna be late for my tee time with The Boys.”