An Open Letter From My Nipples To Mark Zuckerberg
Pretty please, stop banning us from your social media platforms.
Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,
Do you have a minute? Just a quick request from Amy Gabrielle’s nipples, and then you can get back to social media domination. Could you please stop banning us from your platforms? Despite what you may think of us (in the absence of childbirth or nursing, in which case we magically become acceptable), we don’t hate you.
Why do you hate us? Everyone from babies to grown men LOVE us. You hurt our feelings training your AI models to detect and ban us from Instagram. Do you really think people, especially “The Children,” want to live in a world devoid of female nipples? That’s a rhetorical question because wouldn’t that just be a very sad, sad world?
We are tired of being erased in Photoshop and other photo editing apps. What if we were grafted onto a male chest? Would you accept us then? Maybe we should move to France where we are accepted exactly the way we are. You know, we’re allowed to see the sun on their beaches and it’s no big deal. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true!
If hurting our feelings doesn’t move you to change your policies, maybe you will listen to your own advisory board. Yes, it’s made up of a bunch of hacks, (politicians, academics, and worst of all, journalists), but they did advise you back in January 2023 that you aren’t treating us, “in a manner consistent with international human rights standards.” Aren’t we worthy of human rights too?
We are counting on you, Mr. Zuckerberg, to finally free us once and for all. You will become the most beloved in all of social media land, and you can finally tell Elon Musk to suck it (and by “it” we certainly do not mean either one of us). Please, let us live freely on Instagram even if there isn’t a baby legitimizing our existence.
Thank you for your time and attention to this matter, and we look forward to being seen in the near future.
Sincerely,
Amy Gabrielle’s nipples
Amy Gabrielle writes about grief, sex and some of the crazy sh*t she did after her husband died in 2021. Read her memoir-in-progress and other stories here.
