An Open Letter To Virtual School Attendance Policy

Thank you for holding families accountable for their kindergartner’s level of interest in conference calls.

Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash

Dear Virtual School Attendance Policy,

It is great to see you back to your old self after last spring’s debacle. I trust that your drinking days are behind you and that you will be counting my kindergartner’s attendance accurately, consistently, and ruthlessly from here on out. Virtual kindergarten is no different than in-person kindergarten, and I am delighted you will be holding families accountable for their five-year-old’s level of interest in conference calls.

I just have a few clarifying questions to ensure that my family does not inadvertently run afoul of your rules, Virtual School Attendance Policy. You say my kindergartner must attend every Zoom class every day to be marked present. Does it count if he points his bare ass in the general direction of his webcam at the beginning of each class? If he has to briefly leave class to pee, cry inconsolably, or break his computer in half in a blind rage, will we be marked absent for the whole day or just the class in question?

I am thrilled to hear that we will be referred to Child and Family Services for possible child neglect after ten virtual absences…