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An Oral History Of The Four Seasons Total Landscaping Press Conference

MSNBC: Fair Use

As news networks shifted their focus to the Biden presidency, Americans were denied insights into the most intriguing moment of the 2020 presidential election: Rudy Giuliani’s Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference. Americans have asked, wait what? Where? Really? How? Why? But really, why? Several key insiders have sat down with us to offer their accounts of this historic event.

Rudolph W. Giuliani (Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump): People think I’m some kind of idiot for holding a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Like I don’t know the difference between a landscaper and a frankly mediocre hotel. They’re the idiots! I knew what I was doing all along. No one calls Rudy an idiot! No one!

Marta Silva (Assistant Front Desk Manager, Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia): Mr. Giuliani is an idiot. I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to put it. He showed up Saturday morning without calling ahead to do a press conference. I explained that we’d need at least half a day’s notice to be prepared. He shouted, “Well I didn’t come up with this half a day ago, I came up with it on the cab ride over!” He demanded a copy of the Yellow Pages. Eventually we found a Yellow Pages directory from 2011. We had been using it to prop up a table in the staff break room. He ripped a page out and stormed off in a huff.

Rick Dickson (Owner/Operator, Four Seasons Total Landscaping, not affiliated with the Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia): I got a call Saturday morning from some Rudy guy. This Rudy, he sounds frantic and out of breath. He asks me if this is the other Four Seasons. I say, “Are you looking for a hotel or competitively priced landscaping?” He says he needs to do a press conference so he can save the election from this big ol’ fraud by Biden. So I say, “Well shit, I’m a patriot. You sure as hell can come do your press conference in my parking lot.” And my nephew is a karaoke DJ, so I told him I could have a professional sound system for him. Can I give him a shout out? Kyle’s Kwality Karaoke — all Ks. He’s the best karaoke DJ this side of the Tacony-Palmyra Bridge.

Silva: Mr. Giuliani was sitting in the lobby making a loud phone call. When he finished, he shouted, “I’m taking my business to the Four Seasons across town. Take that, you jerks!”

Will Stevens (Caddy, Trump National Golf Club Washington, D.C.): President Trump was just heading out onto the links when he got a call. He seemed irritated. I remember him saying, “What do you mean it’s at the other Four Seasons in Philadelphia? I’ve been in the hotel business my entire life, there’s no other Four Seasons in Philadelphia. You’re an idiot, Rudy!”

Dickson: Now, I don’t wanna call Rudy an idiot — his heart’s in the right place — but I thought I was clear that I wasn’t some fancy pants hotel. When he called back to clarify, I told him we were a landscaping company but we could do it anyway. He seemed to have faith in us. He said, “Fuck it, what other choice do I have?”

Stevens: There’s another call and I hear President Trump saying, “A landscaping business? Are you fucking kidding me, Rudy?” There was a lot of yelling and cursing and repeated cries of “Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!” Then he seemed to be getting directions. I remember him saying, “Beside an erotic bookstore? What the hell is that? Do you jack off to words? Is this some nerd thing?”

Silva: I couldn’t really make sense of it, but Mr. Giuliani seemed to be explaining to someone that an erotic bookstore isn’t really a bookstore. He said, “It’s a euphemism, there’s peep shows and DVDs… Yes, there are pictures… Legal, but young, yes… No. No real women. Not at this one.” At that point I called security.

Stevens: “Well honestly, I don’t get it. I’m not going,” is what Trump said. He hung up and said he needed a better legal team. Then he told me to get him the Yellow Pages.

Dickson: Rudy shows up just after 11 a.m. I only realized who he was then. Holy shit! Mr. Time Magazine Man of the Year 2001! I have a September 11 commemorative plate with his face on it. I would have gone home to get it so he could sign it. Kyle had his sound system loaded out and Rudy taped up some signs. Honestly, I don’t think anyone at home would know it wasn’t the other Four Seasons.

Silva: No one would confuse our luxury hotel with a dusty parking lot on the outskirts of town. But we did issue a statement clarifying that the Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia is not associated with Four Seasons Total Landscaping. It was too absurd to ignore.

Dickson: It was going great. We did such a good job that it scared the liberal media and they made up a lie about Biden winning the election at the very moment that Rudy went on stage, err, on the garage loading bay. The media started to file out slowly after that happened and in the end it was just me and Mr. Giuliani and Kyle. I helped Kyle pack up while Mr. Giuliani visited the bookstore next door.

Giuliani: Oh, you’re gonna bring up the bookstore thing? You’re a hack journalist! That was a complete fabrication!

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Matthew Seely

Matthew Seely

Matthew Seely is a writer and performer based in Toronto. His works have appeared at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case and others.