An Orientation About Your Role As My Personal Cannon Operator
I know the job market out there is tough, so you must be ecstatic that I’ve hired you to be my personal cannon operator. To help you get acquainted, I prepared a brief orientation for this unique position.
I don’t feel fully welcome in any situation until my arrival is punctuated with a 21-cannon salute. That’s where you come in. Whenever I arrive somewhere in my regular daily activities, I need you to announce my name and then fire 21 live rounds from a cannon.
Since cannons can be somewhat heavy, I’m okay if you need to rent a helicopter to transport it around every once in a while. But since that can look a little over-dramatic, you can also just cart it around using a horse-drawn carriage. I’m not too picky.
The cannonball firings should be preceded by an announcement of my name. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, just a simple “Ladies and gentlemen…Kurt.” And then fire away. Don’t be alarmed by everyone’s wild reactions. Being within fifty feet of an unexpected cannon explosion can sound and feel like a sonic boom, causing people to shriek or run around. It’s pretty exciting.
For example, let’s say I want to go to Applebee’s. Before I’m greeted by the hostess, you’ll announce my name and follow it by firing the cannon 21 times, probably from the…
