An Update from Mark Zuckerberg

We hear you, and not just because we’re listening through the microphone in your phone

Photo: Alessio Jacona | flickr

Here at Facebook we know we have a lot of work to do rebuilding your trust. As I recently told Senators, I am ultimately responsible for what happens on Facebook — and while I don’t mean that in a legally-binding way, I do take this responsibility seriously.

That’s why, as part of our new transparent approach to user engagement (or what some of you insist on calling “persistent troubling questions”), I’d like to give you a sneak peek of some of the changes we’re implementing to make Facebook an even better place to privately share every aspect of your life:

1. Apps looking to track your location will be required to send you a complementary ankle monitor.
2. We’re doubling down on user privacy by introducing a revolutionary new shade of blue.
3. Our security team will do a thorough audit of all the naked photos of you we’ve secretly been taking with the camera on your laptop.
4. Pokes are back! Didn’t you used to love poking people?
5. Any developers found to have abused Facebook’s API or violated the Facebook terms of service will immediately be offered a job.
6. We’re eliminating pokes, which we just reintroduced 23 seconds ago. Since then we’ve learned that poking people can be seen as encouraging unwanted physical contact, which runs counter to Facebook’s stated mission of eliminating any and all physical contact.
7. Going forward advertisers will only be permitted to watch you sleep for 12 minutes a night.
8. Contact information uploaded from your phone’s address book will only be used for its originally intended catfishing purposes.
9. Due to privacy upgrades, dating apps like Tinder and Bumble will only show users one Alan Dubinsky of Fort Wayne, Indiana. (Don’t be offended if he doesn’t write back right away — his inbox is pretty full!)
10. You want to play hard ball? FINE. Every time you click a link that leaves Facebook we will kill a puppy. A motherfucking puppy. Every. Fucking. Time. So what’s it gonna be? Ball’s in your court, America.

— Mark