Announcement: Brad Is The Designated -Zilla For The Evans-Bisset Wedding
I own this entire glorious year, and every one of you is my bitch boy for the duration.
Friends and Relatives,
Hi, it’s Brad Bisset, your favorite groom! Latrice and I have decided that I will be the Official Evans-Bisset “-zilla.” It’s a responsibility I take seriously, as a wedding is one of the most significant moments in a -zilla’s life, full of grace and domination. I love my princess Latrice to the moon, so everything needs to be perfect. Absolutely. Perfect.
Strap in, you worthless feelings of Monday-morning dread, we’re going groomzilla-ing.
First of all, every member of my family and all 29 of my groomsmen had better be fucking ready to take a bullet for me in the eleven months leading up to my wedding. We’ll go to the shooting range on Saturday. Bring bandages and a good attitude.
The 17 groomsmen I expect to survive will just be getting started. Be on that list, or you’re dead to me. Or maybe just plain dead, and that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make because it is MY WEDDING. It is not a day. It is not a week. I own this entire glorious year, and every one of you is my bitch boy for the duration.
All of you need to look amazing. My wedding photos will hang on the wall of my home FOR-EV-ER so NO UGGOS. I need six-packs. I need tiny waists. I need my groomsmen to look like the Goddamn Avengers, but later in the series when they look disturbingly vein-y. However! Nobody can be bigger and buffer than me! I am the star here, and all light needs to shine on me. If you can’t turn your sparkle toward my sun, go drown yourself in my above-ground pool right the fuck now.
It goes without saying, but I am five-foot-ten, so any of you taller than that need to come up with a shortening plan ASAP.
Speaking of appearances, Latrice has a SPECIFIC look she’s going for. The wedding colors are “scarlet macaw” (see photo below), so your hair must be fluorescent red, sunshine yellow, or Greek-isles blue. NO EXCEPTIONS!! Have it professionally dyed tomorrow for inspection, and then maintain until the wedding. FYI, this will make you easily spotted at the gun range during the groomsmen tryouts, but that’s exactly the kind of test you must pass in order to be worthy.
We will be holding a lottery for the plus-ones, which only three of you will get. We are not made of money!!! Bids begin at $1000, and we encourage you to get creative. Offer his-and-hers Pelotons, Space-X rides, or to pay for the three weeks we expect to honeymoon in Italy as long as you stingy fucks come up with the cash.
For my princess’ special day, she needs to ride down the aisle* on a gleaming white unicorn. And FYI, the first person who blathers about “which animals exist” will be thrown into a volcano as soon as Latrice’s mom books the helicopter. The first motivated HERO who brings me a unicorn will become the Best Man. But then you need to take the unicorn away and house it until our wedding day, k?
*The “aisle” is a gap we’ll be clearing in a redwood forest. Latrice has always dreamed of getting married in nature, like a resplendent wood nymph. Stay tuned for the invite to the forest-culling, which will take place at night. Bring your own ski masks and axes. No chainsaws — too noisy.
Tuxedos need to be purchased ASAP. We’ve arranged an amazing deal at Armani, who will be making the custom suits in our macaw colors! The $4000 price includes the space-age stretchy material needed for Latrice’s vision — you as resplendent macaws, hanging from the giant redwoods surrounding the forest gazebo. (You’ll want to train with Cirque du Soleil, because there will be no ugly nets.)
This email is getting long, so I’ll save the bachelor party info for later. Hint: hidden island off the Balkans where we get to hunt humans!! Now you see why the gun range test is so necessary — we can’t let any of those filth-ridden cruise ship castaways beat Team Evans-Bisset lol.
Brad (& Latrice)
Martti Nelson is a lady humor writer from LA who is married. He wasn’t a -zilla, unfortunately. She’s not bitter that her cute Space-X outfits went to waste, but she is on Twitter @MaladyMartti. And follow on Medium, why not?