Aren’t Crying at Work, Aren’t Trying at Work

I made Charlotte cry at her desk again because I’m such a strong leader.

Yesterday, David slammed his laptop shut and stormed out of a meeting with me, mumbling something about a maniacal sociopath through his sobbing. I’ve never had such a productive week! Kim Scott would be so fucking proud.

Her book Radical Candor is like the Bible to me. It’s like Fountainhead to a Googler. It taught me to say whatever I think, right when I’m thinking it. Fuck everyone’s feelings! Feelings are emotions and emotions are evolutionary relics like male nipples or the female clitoris — useless.

Let me give you an example of Radical Candor in action. I saw a team collaborating on a presentation. I watched for a minute or so, then boomed out “oh my god, this looks fucking terrible.”

Karen asked me to repeat what I just said. She was speaking extraordinarily loudly. I think her hearing must be going. I slammed my fists on the desk and shouted as loud as I could. “Your presentation looks really fucking awful. And what the fuck are you wearing”

Can you imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t led with Radical Candor? It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?

That’s why I’ve started all-department Candor Carnivals.

Every Friday we go around the room, and everyone says what they did that week. I give out a blast of Radical Candor right-there, right-then. Every attendee gets one. It only takes six hours to inspire all 120 people and the results have been wondrous.

In the first meeting, everyone started all jolly, chatting, laughing and disorganized. Now they turn up stone-cold silent. Focused. Ready.

It’s feels like they are all Vikings on a longboat and I’m leading them into battle. That includes the sea-sickness. I would never have guessed how many people puke when it’s their time to stand up and speak.

Seven! Only three have collapsed with panic attacks so far, though. That seems like a reasonable number.

One guy shouted that the meeting wasn’t fair, and he’s right. It wasn’t fair that only my department got my leadership. That’s why I’ve called an emergency all-company meeting on Wednesday. 634 people, all in one space. They’ll read their accomplishments over the microphone and I’ll let them know my thoughts. That’s Radical Candor in action.

My only wish is that the whole world used Radical Candor. Every conversation with another person would just be a frank exchange of unfiltered opinions.

Can you imagine a world like that? A workplace like that? Relationships like that? It’d be a world of pure perfection and honesty.

If you don’t agree, you are a fucking moron.