As A Fan Of The Office, I Think Biden Should Drop Out Of The 2024 Election
An open letter to a president whose time has come.
Dear Mr. President,
I voted for you last time. Was proud to do it. But now you have to go. Back in 2020 you talked about your life story in pretty much every speech. You told us who you were, where you came from, the values that shaped you. And look, I get why you couldn’t give us the full truth at the time. You had to focus on winning. But c’mon man, it’s long past due. You’ve had four years to remind the American people that you aren’t the only good thing to have come out of Scranton, Pennsylvania.
There’s a reason the creators of The Office set the show there. It’s the same reason you still make a point of telling us you were born there literally every time you open your mouth. Scranton is a hardscrabble kind of town, easily ignored. But if we ignore places like that, we turn our backs on the virtues that made America great. So what does it tell us when you ignore this shining emblem of the American entertainment industry? The show ran for nine seasons. Over two hundred episodes. It made Carell and Krasinski — genuine strivers — into stars for chrissakes. Give it the recognition it deserves. Show business is still business, after all.
You’re a good man. I don’t doubt that. I’d be proud to address you as “Mr. President” if we ever met, and not just because I’d feel like I was in an episode of The West Wing. You know who else was a good man? Michael Scott. Sure, he sometimes said the wrong thing and had trouble owning up to it. There was that episode where he outed Oscar while trying to justify using a homophobic slur — a bit like when you suggested gay people in the military might be a threat to national security — and a surprising number of episodes do feature him being racist and sexist. But you knew his heart was in the right place because he always looked right into the camera and told us it was. Just like you do.
Now, remember how Michael left Dunder Mifflin on his last day? He told everyone it was his second to last day, but really it wasn’t. Only Jim figured it out. Michael headed to the airport while everyone but Pam was waiting around like chumps at his leaving party. And now you have the chance to do something equally iconic. Walk away from the race. You don’t even have to tell us. Just let Kamala or Pete or whoever show up at your next campaign event with a sheet cake and no explanation.
Because if you don’t, you know who we’ll be left with, don’t you? Robert California, that’s who. Not literally, but Donald Trump and James Spader do have a lot in common, not least their bouffant hair and weird sexual energy. The Office couldn’t survive that cast change, and nor, Sir, will our Republic.
I know what you’ll say. You’ve still got lots of energy. You don’t want to waste away doing nothing. Well, I have good news for you. You can now stream all episodes of The Office on the Peacock app, and half of them are in new extended cuts. I bet you have at least a few seasons to catch up on, and Dr. Jill and your Secret Service detail will probably enjoy the reruns. And you’ll retire surrounded by the people you love — the hard-working folk of Scranton, PA.
Philip Walford mostly ghostwrites for a living. The work he’s prepared to put his name to can be found at Vox, Substack and other publications.
