As Park Ranger, I Will Be Doing Fuck All About Bears
Here’s an interesting nature fact: grizzly bears can run at 60 kilometers an hour. Here’s another: I can’t.
Campers of Section B, let me begin by saying I understand your concerns. Yes, I can confirm the rumor that a large North American grizzly was seen by security cameras near the campgrounds last night. But let me be clear as the park ranger on duty: I intend to do jack shit about that bear.
I’ve already told you everything I know about bear safety. I showed you how to store your food in trees overnight. What happens next is at God’s own discretion, because there is fuck all I’m able to do beyond that.
That thing is part of a protected species, and it knows that. It’s real goddamn smug about it, too. It would be one thing to get a limb torn off — it’s the gloating I can’t stand. Besides, isn’t the occasional bear encounter just a part of being out in nature? Isn’t that what you all drive three hours from the city to come and experience? You should be glad that I wouldn’t interfere in your authentic interactions with the fauna of the Pacific Northwest.
If you expected a park ranger to be the thin khaki line of defense between your family and a hungry 700-pounder, I’m afraid that’s on you. You know what my major was? Tourism management. Do you think that program covers de-escalation tactics with apex predators? Not unless he’s upset that his resort package didn’t include a massage. The qualifications for this job are all over the place. It was this or working on cruise ships.
One thing I am qualified to do? Share interesting nature facts with park guests. Here’s one: grizzly bears can run at 60 kilometers an hour. Here’s another: I can’t.
I’m sure you wish you chose a campsite in section C with Ranger Lisa. Ooh, she’s a former army sniper! Ooh, she can successfully aim her tranquilizer gun, unlike a certain other park ranger who still can’t get their permit! Whatever. I shouldn’t have to remind you that I created a flourishing arts-and-crafts program for the kids in my section. Ranger Lisa might be able to hit a three-meter high behemoth between the eyes in one shot, but she’s absolute dogshit at bracelet weaving.
Listen, it’s not as if I don’t care. I’m trained in first aid. Come see me before or after any ursine mauling and I’ll do what I can. If you’re still in the process of it, I retain my right to not be involved. According to Wikipedia, bear attacks only tend to last a few minutes anyway. That’s not so bad!
Now, if you have any non-bear related queries or requests, you know where to find me, and you know what I’ll be doing: absolute fuck all.
