Assembly Instructions for the Ikea Flumën Coffee Table

Congratulations for purchasing a Flumën Coffee Table from Ikea. In just a few easy steps, you and your loved ones will be enjoying your beautiful new piece of furniture.

Step 1: Make sure you have the following tools: Allen wrench, Phillips screwdriver, hammer, and a level.

Step 2: It’s time to start the fight! Establish dominance over your significant other by saying something like, “Are we sure this is the table we want?” This will absolve you of any guilt once it’s finished and doesn’t look like it did in-store.

Step 3: Remove the parts from the plastic bag. Place them onto an even surface and separate them by type. Then mention your ex was good at doing this type of stuff.

Step 4: Hide one of the bolts in your pocket and when your partner announces it’s missing, berate him/her for being irresponsible. Reference the time he/she locked the keys in the car in New Orleans.

Step 5: Connect the first wooden leg to the underside of the table, making sure to align the screw holes. Then ask with supreme sarcasm, “Was that so hard?” I mean really dig your claws into it.

Step 6: Using the Phillips screwdriver, tighten the ½" screws to the leg connector.

Step 7: In the event you mess up step 6, apologize for not being a professional carpenter and instead pursuing a career that pays “real life money.”

Step 8: Repeat steps 5–7 for the remaining 3 legs.

Step 9: Let your partner assemble the drawer. Then stand in his/her peripheral vision and shake your head pessimistically as they attempt to build it. If they look at you, pretend you were just looking at something on the ceiling.

Step 10: If you feel your partner starting to gain the upper hand, state that he/she is turning into their mother/father. This will turn the tables instantly.

Step 11: Insert the drawer along the tracks on the underside of the table. Then hurl the Allen wrench at the mirror in the hallway.

Step 12: Continue to berate each other causing irreparable damage to your relationship.

Step 13: Move in with a friend.

Step 14: Get drunk and text him/her 200 times a day.

Step 15: Make a bunch of fake Facebook profiles of hot men or women and post sexy things on your own Facebook wall to make him/her jealous.

Step 16: Leave broken IKEA products on his/her doorstep.

Step 17: Start huffing.

Step 18: Get kicked out of your friend’s house and sneak into IKEA at night to sleep in one of our showrooms. We recommend the queen-size Hemnes bed made with solid white oak, the Fjürža foam mattress, and plenty of underbed storage.

Step 19: When they catch you living there, hold the weakest employee hostage using the Gynnsam Fillet Knife. Your instinct is going to be to use a more flashy knife like the Krufgil Meat Cleaver, but we assure you the mobility and sharpness of the Fillet Knife is more useful in this scenario.

Step 20: Eat a shitload of Swedish Meatballs and chug a bottle of Absorb® Leathercare Liquid (found in the little baskets by the registers).

Step 21: Go out in a blaze of glory. Set the building on fire and smear your ex’s name in blood on the front windows. Remember to write it backwards so the police and news cameras can read it.

Step 22: Congratulations, your Flumën coffee table is complete! We hope you and yours enjoy this high-quality piece of furniture for years to come.

Like what you read? Give Justin Miller a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.