At Netflix, We’re Cracking Down On Password Sharing And General B.S.
After 25 years of being the chill older brother of home entertainment, we at Netflix have decided it’s time for some tough love. In the past, we’ve done you such solids as mailing DVDs directly to your home, allowing you to use your friend’s parents login information without so much as having met them, and hey, even financing Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman when no one else would. But after all we’ve done, many of you are canceling your subscriptions and bailing on us. So from this point on, the gloves are off and we’re calling you on all your usual bullshit. Don’t like it? That’s your problem.
For starters, we’re no longer allowing you to use cutesy little nicknames for accounts anymore. Use your real name. If your name is Megan, don’t use “Megster” or “Meggie” or something like that. This shit is serious. Time to grow up.
Dads, stop doing the thing where you tell your kids that you don’t care what they put on and then immediately complain when they choose something you don’t like. You’re officially done doing that. If you want to watch something particular, Dads, then go ahead and put it on yourselves. Otherwise, shut your decrepit mouths.
And also, saying there’s nothing on Netflix when there obviously is. Do you know how hard it is to get the rights to all this stuff? Didn’t think so. We got you Seinfeld! What more do you want? If you want you can go subscribe to another streaming service that doesn’t have Seinfeld. Let us know how that goes.
And while you’re at it, stop saying Netflix used to be better. We know! We used to be the only streaming service. Now there’s like a thousand. We liked it better when we had every single movie and TV show you loved too. But hey, things change. You were probably in better shape ten years ago too, but you don’t hear us dragging you every single day.
Here’s a newsflash: When your internet sucks, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with our app, it just means that your internet sucks. Stop throwing us under the bus every time your broke-ass wifi buffers in front of someone. We didn’t ask you to get Spectrum or whatever.
Controversy Alert! If you complain about Dave Chappelle stuff but still watch all of the Dave Chappelle stuff we have, then to us, it just looks like you like Dave Chappelle stuff. Stop watching it if you don’t like it and then maybe we’ll stop financing it. That’s how business works, boneheads.
No, we don’t offer free trials so stop asking us. When you go to the ice cream shop do you ask to try a sample of the vanilla? No, you don’t because you already know what it tastes like. You either want to pay for it or you don’t. We’re not changing hearts and minds here. Stop Googling “Netflix Free Trial,” when you damn well know that we don’t offer one.
Lastly, Ted Lasso sucks! We have a thousand soccer shows on Netflix that are way better, like Juventus FC and Neymar: The Perfect Chaos. Ted Lasso shouldn’t even be coaching soccer — he’s a football guy. If you like that show and its weird season-two pivot into mental health then you should just get bent. We don’t need you and we don’t want you!
