Attention Employees: The Floor Is Actually Lava
If you need to use the restrooms, please hop from the receptionist desk.
Dear Employees of Tristar Telecommunications and Business Solutions,
We ask that you use caution while coming and going from the building, as we appear to have a minor lava flow in parts of the office. Please be assured that this has been brought to the attention of your facilities team, who are trying to quickly assess and clean up the situation.
Unfortunately, the lava is spreading to parts of the lobby, as well as most of the first floor. Because of this, the first-floor ladies’ and men’s restrooms will be temporarily closed and will remain closed until the restrooms can be properly fireproofed. If you need to use the restrooms, please hop from the receptionist desk, scoot across the floor on a wheelie chair, and swing from the chandelier “Sia style” to reach the stairwell, as the second and third-floor restrooms are still accessible. You may also leap from desk to desk in the bullpen.
As a reminder, the IKEA Tärendö and Påhl desks are very fragile, and thus we ask you don’t put your full body weight on them. Instead, our facilities team has suggested using a soft parkour-style roll while landing.
Because of this unfortunate incident, we will have to temporarily modify some of our business practices. For example, all conference room meetings will need to happen directly on top of the conference room table. The copier and fax machine have been moved to the IT department, as that is where they have floated to. Please send all external faxes by 2:00 PM because the machine will probably have disintegrated by that time. In addition, accounting has asked that all invoices be either emailed or folded into a paper airplane and glided over to James Arbuckle by the end of the day.
If you do not feel comfortable working upstairs, or if the smell of sulfur is causing coughing, nausea, or excessive nosebleeds, you do have permission from the executive staff to work from home for the day. Because the lava is slowly making its way across the parking lot, we suggest jumping from the flower bed to the courtyard fountain, hanging from the ivy on the north wall, and then hopscotching from car to car until you find your vehicle. At this time, we will also be providing free parking validation to visitors whose cars have been scratched, dented, or melted.
We would also like to take this time to address some rumors that have been spreading around the office. As many of you might have heard, there is word that Derrick Shaffaer from customer relations had his foot “boiled off.” We are overjoyed to announce that this couldn’t be further from the truth. In actuality, Derrick’s shoe skimmed the surface of the lava, resulting in a minor burn. He was treated at a nearby hospital and is now resting comfortably at home. Please keep an eye out for Connie Moore, also from the customer relations team, who is leaping from desk to desk with a get well soon card.
There is also a rumor going around that this lava has been caused by a “vengeful Hawaiian God” who is seeking revenge against us for a spirited but not culturally sensitive luau-themed Memorial Day party. First, we would again like to remind you that the organizers of that party have been reprimanded and have since attended a diversity and inclusion seminar. They once again apologize for certain aspects of the party. However, we do not believe these two events are connected. But, in the interest of covering all of our bases, we have reached out to Dr. Isaac Chun, Chair of the Hawaiian and Polynesian Cultures Department at the University of Hawai’i at Hilo, and we are eagerly waiting for his response.
We have also notified the National Weather Service of this unusual occurrence, as lava is normally not found here in Sioux Falls. However, we all know unusual natural disasters have the habit of popping up at unfortunate times, like in May of 2017 when we had that freak blizzard! Unfortunately, the NWS is currently tracking a tropical storm off the coast of Miami and thus has not answered our calls yet. We are also waiting for responses from the Department of Agriculture, Department of Homeland Security, the CDC, the FBI, the CIA, M15, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We will notify you when we receive more information.
In the meantime, we urge you to proceed around the office with caution. For example, if you are trying to reach the employee kitchen we suggest laying pillows or cushions down on the floor and jumping between them, using the cushions as a footpath of sorts. To avoid touching the floor altogether, you may also use the coiled phone cords as a rope and swing yourself from desk to desk, like the primal ape ancestors we are. In addition, you can make your way across the building by shimming through the air duct system.
Once again, we apologize for this inconvenience.
Best,
Management
