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Baby, or Carne Asada Super Burrito?

Photos by Garrett Jackson on Unsplash & “burrito” by rick is licensed under CC BY 2.0
  1. Soft and warm, with a surprising heft to it.

2. Sometimes you absolutely need to have one at 2 AM.

3. Passersby on the street can’t resist commenting on yours.

4. Must be tightly wrapped to maintain its ideal temperature.

5. Antithetical to a good night of sleep.

6. Extremely rewarding to cradle one in your arms.

7. After holding one for a couple minutes, it’s a relief to put it down on the nearest flat surface.

8. You don’t want to let it out of your sight.

9.You shouldn’t have one if you’re not prepared to confront urgent defecation in the next four hours.

10. It can make you too lethargic to leave the house.

11. You feel an instinctive urge to protect it from nearby predators.

12. Concern about environmental impact makes you wonder if you should really have one.

13. It can evoke intense feelings of envy or judgment in others.

14. Much improved with the addition of guacamole.

15. You’re not always sure you’re ready for one, and then suddenly there it is in front of you, and you’re crying and gushing about how miraculous all of this is.

16. After you have one, you may want another, but not immediately.

Baby: 1–16

Carne Asada Super Burrito: 1–16

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Ian Bardenstein

Ian Bardenstein

Humor and nonfiction writer. Work in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points In Case, and more @ibardenstein /