Bad Press Releases I’ve Received But Never Asked For
I’m a blogger. I write about inane things like Jeff Goldblum, my penchant for drinking tequila and dancing to Purple Rain in the comfort of my home, alone, and White Cheddar Cheez-Its. I say this because my blog does not scream “PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PRESS RELEASES ABOUT EDIBLE UNDERWEAR AND GLOW-IN-THE-DARK DIAPERS.” But yet I get a lot of unsolicited press releases. And a lot of them are bad, like Eddie-Murphy’s-music-career bad. They’re so bad that instead of deleting them, I decided to create a Bad Press Release tab in my Gmail in case I ever wanted to share that bad with the rest of the world. So that’s what I’m doing right here. Here is a selection of my favorite press releases, including screenshots of the emails I received.
Gnoments
If your relationship is on the rocks, why not fix it with a 16th century humanoid? Gnoments are little gnomes with back pouches where you can put notes such as “I think we need to buy Plan B” or “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP SNORING.” If you don’t want to leave a note, you can embed an NFC tag (whatever the hell that is) and leave audio messages or videos. Gnoments are $39.99 and only come in boy and girl gnome combos, because gay gnomes don’t exist.
MyFriendSmells.com
Since we no longer know how to directly talk to one another, MyFriendSmells.com cologne wipes allows us to let our friends know they kind of smell like a dead raccoon in a public restroom tampon depository without actually telling them. And it only costs $1.99 (1 wipe) or $4.99 (4 wipes) to decimate a friendship. But who cares; your friend smells like ass anyways.
Lip injections from Dr. Norman Rowe
Nothing says love like “Honey, I lied about you being perfect for me. I actually want you to look like you had an allergic reaction to mangoes.”
Chin-melting dermatologist, Dr. Marina Peredo
But don’t fret, ladies. If your man thinks your lips aren’t Lisa Rinna enough, tell him that his chin is too fat and he needs to melt it off courtesy of Dr. Marina Peredo.
The Racktrap
I’m still not 100% sure how Racktrap works considering their website refuses to show any pictorials. However, from the written tutorial below, it appears that one has to locate their breasts and then shove a bunch of shit into them.
FunAir Yacht Slides
I’ve gotten a number of press releases for yacht slides, which is confusing since I a.) don’t write about yachts and b.) don’t write for people who monogram their underwear and slick back their hair with $100 oil made from pressed baby elephant dung.
Papyrus & BigMouth for National Cat Day
Cat masks aren’t particularly unique, but what is unique is the ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING WAY THIS COMPANY TOOK THESE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE WEARING CAT MASKS. Why are they cocking their heads? Why is the black cat crossing his or her arms? Why did they zoom in on the brown cat?! WHY DOES THE BROWN CAT LOOK DEAD INSIDE?!
The American Retirement Association
This email is neither fun nor interesting.
YouPorn and Wrestler Joey Ryan
I’m afraid to actually go to YouPorn’s site or link to it here, but from what I gather in the press release is that a free porn site sponsored a professional wrestler, and they really wanted me to know about it. BTW: That’s a picture of Joey Ryan below. (I’m glad they told me about it.)
Obviously Apparel
And in the spirit of shirtless men, here is a press release I received for The Lumber Collection from Australia “premium men’s underwear” company Obviously Apparel. I hope an owl is included in every purchase of Obviously Apparel Lumber underwear.
