Beagle Serves Neighbor With A Letter Of Intent To Bark Disruptively
I, Sadie, am writing to inform you of my intent to bark at squirrels (or nothing, if a squirrel is unavailable) in thirty-to-forty-five-minute bursts.
LETTER OF INTENT
BETWEEN
Sadie, purebred beagle, female, spayed, estimated age four years
AND
Todd Crenshaw, hereinafter “Todd,” current owner of the house next-door, Caucasian male, intact, estimated age thirty-three years.
Respected Neighbor Todd,
I, Sadie, am writing to inform you of my intent to bark at squirrels (or nothing, if a squirrel is unavailable) in thirty-to-forty-five-minute bursts, the timing of which is detailed below. First, a bit about how I arrived at this schedule. After observing your daily (and nightly) activities, I applied predictive analytics to model the optimum times to bark.
PROPOSED SCHEDULE
5:30 AM One hour before your alarm goes off. No-brainer. Lest you think you’re just dreaming about a dog barking, this session will continue until either your alarm buzzes, or you wake with a pounding heart.
8:00 AM Commencement of your remote workday as a Customer Experience Specialist for Spectrum. I plan to emit six quick barks as you’re logging on, causing you to spill coffee on your new wireless keyboard.
10:10 AM No particular reason, other than maintaining the disruptive momentum. Forlorn howling should do nicely.
12:00 PM Your lunch break begins with a twenty-minute yoga/meditation session to relieve stress after four hours dealing with angry customers who haven’t had internet service for two weeks. For this session, I chose caterwauling — normally associated with cats even though the intransitive verb is not species-specific. It literally means, “to make a harsh cry, or to protest noisily,” which will serve well in this context.
2:00 PM Zoom call with your supervisor to discuss how many customers you have on hold. I will produce the loud cries of a dog in pain. Since your supervisor is a dog person, she’s going to want to know what’s going on. Good luck explaining.
3:45 PM Prime time for Amazon driver to attempt delivery. He will drive right on by if there’s a dog barking aggressively in the adjacent driveway. You will not get your set of Russian nesting dolls, garden gnome, or whatever must-have you ordered yesterday.
4:30 PM The final half-hour of your day, when you’re yelled at by customers who’ve been on hold since 8:00 AM. An improvised mix of barking styles.
5:00 PM You hit the home gym (seriously, you bought a Bowflex?) for a hardcore twenty-five minute body-building sesh. Hopefully, my high-decibel yips don’t startle you into dropping the stack, or pulling a muscle.
6:00 PM You’re trying to watch the news as you eat a microwaved Hungry-Man meatloaf dinner. I may let this one ride. I’m not heartless, and the news is depressing enough.
9:15 PM Your on-again, off-again girlfriend drops by for sex. This session will start immediately upon initiation of intercourse. Like, the instant you start raw-dogging it. After experiencing a few minutes of me baying like I’ve treed a raccoon, she’ll dump you for good.
11:30 PM You enter that precious pre-sleep period where your prefrontal cortex is initiating the shutdown of executive decision-making. I’ll prevent that by squealing like a pig. You’re going to think you’re on the set of Deliverance.
2:00 AM The witching hour. Another no-brainer. This will be something spontaneous. I like to surprise myself.
CAVEAT
I will do my best to adhere to the above schedule but, as you are no doubt aware, I may still have random outbursts directed at delivery persons, mailmen, someone walking another dog, or for no discernible reason other than barking is cathartic. This will not diminish, or alter, the targeted delivery of scheduled sessions.
YOUR OPTIONS
1. Accept your fate. No further action required.
2. Try to fight your fate (each method followed by the reason it won’t work):
a. Wear noise-cancelling headphones — I will bark at a frequency not identified as noise.
b. Wear foam earplugs — Even though I prefer being an only dog, I will pout until my owner rescues another one or two beagles (he’s a pushover) and together we will overwhelm that meager defense.
c. Complain to the Home Owners Association — I will use the full weight of the ACLU (American-Beagle Civil Liberties Union) to defend my right to free speech.
3. Broker a détente through negotiation. I’ll be honest, I like to hit the dog bed by 10:00 PM, so I’m willing to forego a night session in exchange for a belly rub provided at a time mutually agreed upon. If you’re good at the aforementioned rub (my owner is, but he works long hours at his in-person job) we could broker an exchange of belly rubs for the cessation of other scheduled barking sessions.
I believe we can reach an amicable agreement, and look forward to receiving a positive response in a timely fashion.
All Good Wishes,
Sadie
