BREAKING NEWS: More News
You are not going to believe this, by which I mean you definitely most certainly will.
It is with a heavy heart that I, a news reporter, must report that there is more news. Unfortunately, this time the news is Very Bad, as opposed to yesterday when it was just Bad, or the day before yesterday when it was also Bad, or the day before the day before yesterday when it was mostly Weird but also a little bit Bad.
I will admit that last week we also had Very Bad News. But not to worry - that Very Bad news has been superseded by this new news, which means that the old news is, as they say, old news. The Past News was not relevant to anybody anyway, by which I mean it was not relevant to me, by which I mean it will not affect the way I spend my money, vote, or live my life in any way. This new news is all that matters now, until of course we receive future news, in which case the new news will become old news, and the old news will become nothing. You can trust us, a major U.S. network station, because we don’t sugar-coat except for when we want to and we don’t lie to you except for when we do.
Hold on… I have just been informed that today’s Very Bad News has progressed to Horrible News. How confusing and unsettling to hear of this, by which I mean in-studio experts warned us that this would happen multiple times. But with only History to back them up, and no live footage, how were we to believe such doomsday predictions? Besides, had anybody actually influential taken action to prevent this News, there would not be any News right now, let alone Horrible News, and my job is telling you the news, so let us light a candle instead.
I am heartbroken to live in a world with such Horrible News, even though the news doesn’t happen to me, since I am impervious to the news, by which I mean rich. I mourn for those tragically afflicted by the news, even though I do not know them and neither do you so really how many people could it be — probably not that many people or even nobody at all. Still, these faceless phantoms have my deepest sympathies and the aid of my reporting, which is entirely correct except for the incorrect parts. This is because I am blessed to report from America, where the press is free except for the regulations, and where bias doesn’t exist.
Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all is how we cannot do anything to help the victims of the News besides continuing to watch the News, and of course all those other things that are simply out of the question because no. But such is the way of the News. We will now take a moment of silence, during which our corporate sponsor will market their prescription medication for moderate to severe arthritic psoriasis. Let us bow our heads — if this hurts, ask your doctor about Otezla.
And now for the weather! It’s… cold now?! FUCK -
