Buddha Drops In On Yoga Class
KENDRA: Hi everyone, welcome to Vinyasa Flow. My name’s Kendra, and I’ll be your instructor this morning.
(Kendra lights two scented candles and scans the room.)
KENDRA (cont’d): I see familiar faces and several new ones. For those who are new, welcome. I’m thrilled to have you here on this beautiful and chakra-aligned day.
(A wise, sage voice speaks up.)
BUDDHA: Excuse me, but why are there are candles?
KENDRA: It’s part of the Vinyasa Flow tradition.
BUDDHA: Look, I’d hate to be that guy, but that’s definitely not part of the Vinyasa Flow tradition.
KENDRA: Umm, I’m sorry, what’s your name?
BUDDHA: I’m called many things, but I usually go by Buddha, The All Knowing One, or Randy.
KENDRA: OK, Randy. I’m the certified Yoga instructor here. I think I know what I’m talking about.
BUDDHA: You think getting a certificate in Vinyasa Flow makes you qualified? I invented Yoga.
KENDRA: Excuse me?
BUDDHA: Yeah, you heard that right.
KENDRA: Randy, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re disrupting our Zen.
(Buddha chortles.)
BUDDHA: Do you even know what Zen is?
KENDRA: Umm, yeah. It’s chakra-alignment and morning sun salutations.
BUDDHA: Yeah, that’s not it.
KENDRA: What, do you know?
BUDDHA: I don’t mean to brag, but I sort of invented it.
KENDRA: OK, Mister I-Invented-Everything. Why don’t you teach the class?
EVERYONE (collectively): Ooo-ooh!
CHAD: Burn!
BUDDHA: Maybe I will.
(Buddha gets up and walks to the front of the class. He blows out the two candles.)
KENDRA: Hey, that’s not cool! I spent two hours finding those at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
BUDDHA: There is no Bed and Bath in the Beyond.
EVERYONE (collectively): Ooo-ooh!
CHAD: Yahtzee!
KENDRA: (mutters to herself) What an ass.
BUDDHA: Now, everyone. First cross your legs and rest your hands, palms facing up. Close your eyes. Breath in. Breathe out.
(Everyone mimics Buddha, except Chad, who is checking out Kendra.)
BUDDHA (cont’d): Now, open your eyes.
(Everyone gasps.)
KENDRA: Holy shit. You’re floating.
BUDDHA: Now this is what I call some motherfuckin’ Zen.
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