Buddha Drops In On Yoga Class

Irving Ruan
Jul 25, 2017 · 2 min read
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KENDRA: Hi everyone, welcome to Vinyasa Flow. My name’s Kendra, and I’ll be your instructor this morning.

(Kendra lights two scented candles and scans the room.)

KENDRA (cont’d): I see familiar faces and several new ones. For those who are new, welcome. I’m thrilled to have you here on this beautiful and chakra-aligned day.

(A wise, sage voice speaks up.)

BUDDHA: Excuse me, but why are there are candles?

KENDRA: It’s part of the Vinyasa Flow tradition.

BUDDHA: Look, I’d hate to be that guy, but that’s definitely not part of the Vinyasa Flow tradition.

KENDRA: Umm, I’m sorry, what’s your name?

BUDDHA: I’m called many things, but I usually go by Buddha, The All Knowing One, or Randy.

KENDRA: OK, Randy. I’m the certified Yoga instructor here. I think I know what I’m talking about.

BUDDHA: You think getting a certificate in Vinyasa Flow makes you qualified? I invented Yoga.

KENDRA: Excuse me?

BUDDHA: Yeah, you heard that right.

KENDRA: Randy, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re disrupting our Zen.

(Buddha chortles.)

BUDDHA: Do you even know what Zen is?

KENDRA: Umm, yeah. It’s chakra-alignment and morning sun salutations.

BUDDHA: Yeah, that’s not it.

KENDRA: What, do you know?

BUDDHA: I don’t mean to brag, but I sort of invented it.

KENDRA: OK, Mister I-Invented-Everything. Why don’t you teach the class?

EVERYONE (collectively): Ooo-ooh!

CHAD: Burn!

BUDDHA: Maybe I will.

(Buddha gets up and walks to the front of the class. He blows out the two candles.)

KENDRA: Hey, that’s not cool! I spent two hours finding those at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

BUDDHA: There is no Bed and Bath in the Beyond.

EVERYONE (collectively): Ooo-ooh!

CHAD: Yahtzee!

KENDRA: (mutters to herself) What an ass.

BUDDHA: Now, everyone. First cross your legs and rest your hands, palms facing up. Close your eyes. Breath in. Breathe out.

(Everyone mimics Buddha, except Chad, who is checking out Kendra.)

BUDDHA (cont’d): Now, open your eyes.

(Everyone gasps.)

KENDRA: Holy shit. You’re floating.

BUDDHA: Now this is what I call some motherfuckin’ Zen.


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Irving Ruan

Written by

SF-based comedy writer. Words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, CollegeHumor, and elsewhere. http://irvingruan.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Irving Ruan

Written by

SF-based comedy writer. Words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, CollegeHumor, and elsewhere. http://irvingruan.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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