Call Me Old-Fashioned, But You Should Marry A Calculator Before Writing “BOOBIES” On It
What’s the world coming to? Young people are running around all night, using apps to have one-night stands with strangers. What happened to getting to know somebody before getting physical? What happened to taking things slow and showing some self-respect? What happened to marrying a calculator before writing “BOOBIES” on it?
Call me old-fashioned. Call me a dinosaur. Call me whatever you want, but the way kids are treating relationships and sex nowadays is all wrong.
It seemed so innocent back in middle school, right? Typing “5318008” into a supple TI-30x and then turning it upside-down for a lewd surprise? And before you dismiss me as just another preachy prude, listen here. I’ve sown my wild oats with plenty of handheld electronics, just like the rest of you, from a shy NEC R3D3 pager to a spicy weekend with a Motorola DynaTAC 800x.
Kids partaking in this “harmless” act sweeping across math classes everywhere couldn’t be more wrong. Writing “BOOBIES” on a calculator is a special, intimate thing that should only be shared between a spouse and their committed, loving computing machine. Doing it to any old calculator you find in the Staples bargain bin only cheapens what’s supposed to be the most wonderful display of intimacy in the world.
I know what you’re thinking — writing “BOOBIES” on any calculator you want, without commitment, is harmless fun. Think again! This is a lie perpetrated by amoral people who are desperate to fill the emptiness in their souls with acts of shallow arithmetic. It’s a poor substitute for the richness of a long-term relationship, of getting to know your calculator the right way: starting with innocent long division then slowly moving into the overtly sexual activity like base-10 logarithms.
If I can’t convince you it’s morally wrong, at least consider your reputation. Do you really want to be known as the person who will type “BOOBIES” on anything with membrane buttons and a working liquid crystal display? Your family will be so disappointed they raised somebody enslaved by their sexual desires, unable to resist the sinful siren’s song of a sleek new graphing calculator with a hexadecimal readout and advanced polynomial support.
There’s simply no way around it — every time you type those seven numbers and gaze into the carnal abyss of a calculator’s display, you’re betting your soul against an eternity of damnation.
Save yourself today. Or, at the very least, do anal. That’s a freebie!
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