Carole Baskin Here, With New TikTok Dances For The Cats
Claw hand, hissy face, killing it.
Hey, all you cool cats and kittens. It’s me, Carole, your favorite murder-for-hire target. And I’m back like genital warts to social media you up. As you know, I was on Dancing with the Stars this season. And I’m here to remind you once again that my mission is to promote big cats, not to Carole “bask in” the spotlight. Check out these dances I made, based on the moves I learned on YouTube. Be sure to share and like them or I’ll kill you.
The Homewrecker
- Set to Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent
This one goes out to my second husband Don, wherever you are. It starts as an unusually chilly night in 1981. I walk along the side of the road in Tampa with mascara-covered raccoon eyes from my bad marriage. The camera pans in like Don’s truck rolling up beside me. I point my finger gun, reminiscent of the first night we spent together. The dance ends after I crawl around like a cat in heat and proceed to wreck his life and family, all while meowing uncontrollably.
If I Did It
- Set to Here Kitty Kitty by Joe Exotic (Cover by Carole Baskin)
I’ve seen the TikTok dance some of you guys made, saying I killed my late husband. So I created my own to show you how I would have done it if I had done it, which I didn’t, but if I had, this is how. It involves moves like two finger guns (hypothetically speaking, a 45 revolver, and a 357 that I previously hid from my husband) and BANG BANG. Afterward, I call the handyman for backup and freestyle like Mary Jane’s Last Dance until he gets there. There’s a decapitate and a slice-off-hands motion. Some chopping. Some meat grinding. Some packaging it up like expired Walmart meat and secretly dropping it on Joe Exotic’s doorstep. Ending with a Carole Baskin thumbs up.
Innocent Until Proven Guilty
- Set to The Meow Mix Song
This trend celebrates the freedom of those who look guilty but don’t remember anything because they were blacked out in a fit of rage. In it, I ride my bike in slow motion with a big stupid grin on my face. My long hair flaps in the wind while I look left and right at the invisible tigers running freely alongside me, thinking, “Nobody puts Baskin in a corner.”
The Sanctuary
- Set to The Lovecats by The Cure
Once I became a star, I felt like I needed a sex tape, but Howard disapproved. So he helped me put this sexy dance together instead. It starts with me catwalking into frame, rubbing against furniture, and striking poses like the Mother Theresa of cats that I am. I heavy pet a stuffed tiger, Lion King that cat, and dry hump it, after which I proudly hold up a sign for Big Cat Rescue.
Nicholas Caged
- Set to The Lion Sleeps Tonight by The Tokens
Big cats don’t belong in cages. Unless they’re my cages, because mine are bigger. I showcase this by dancing around one of my empty tiger cages (minimum of 1200 square feet), bosom to bosom with a cardboard cutout of Nicholas Cage. At my leisure, I groom him with my tongue. Because even though he’s playing Joe Exotic in the Tiger King movie, he’s still my hall pass. Right, Howard?
Tiger Queen
- Set to Smelly Cat by Phoebe Buffay
I created this dance last week after re-listening to the 500 hurtful voicemails Joe Exotic has left me. In it, I put a small stuffed tiger up to my ear like a telephone and accept the charges from the Fort Worth Federal Prison Medical Center. After a beat, I tell Joe through the stuffed tiger to watch ABC on Monday Nights at 8 pm. Then I laugh hysterically and thank him for being an idiot, before adjusting my flower crown and resuming position on my porcelain tiger throne in front of the TV while reruns of DWTS loop on repeat. You know… for the cats.
