Casting Suggestions For The Play “Suburban Alexandria VA Bakery Cafe, Tuesday At 3:30 PM”
Group of Elderly Men. Could be played six forks sharing one lemon bar. (The playwright leaves it to the discretion of the director.)
Coughing Man. Could be played by a nature show soundrack of an elephant seal jostling for position on a cobble beach.
Pair of Middle-Aged Fundraising Executive Women In Deep Discission of Giving Circles. MOMA gift shop scarves.
NIMBY Elderly Man Carrying Print Copy Of Hyperlocal Newspaper. In this part, an actor has the opportunity to demonstrate real range and pathos re: multi-family housing, bike lanes, and city council’s obvious corrupt liberal thuggery. If NIMBY elderly men are in short supply (which, as of the play’s writing, they were not), this part could be played by the phrase Okay, Boomer Sharpied on a cue card.
The Maven is the kind of person who will snap her fingers directly in front of the other characters faces while they are in line to order coffee like, “Yoo-hoo! Total stranger, don’t order the scone! They’re wan! I told The Baker/Owner, ‘You won’t make suburban Alexandria’s exorbitant retail rents with pale scones! To NIMBY Elderly Man she is a vile communist enemy, to everyone else she just reminds them of their mother (and/ or is their mother, depending on casting.)
Mother With Teenage Daughter. A classic comedy pairing. The body language of the mother reads, “We’re bonding!” But the body language of the daughter reads, “Aoooga, aoooga, death imminent, absolute DEFCON 5.” The daughter could be played by lychee poppin’ boba, the mother, by a transdermal estrogen patch on its last effective day.
In one large grey hoodie containing four rising high school juniors A Group of Teenage Boys lounge on a banquette until exhorted by The Baker/Owner to “buy fucking something.” Teenage Daughter makes eye contact with them, pleading to be set free from this hostage situation with her mother. But this is above their pay grade (they could be played by a bunch of eels). When they walk out in the single shared hoodie, in polite acknowledgement they say “Ma’am” to her mother! This is worse than not saying anything at all! What a bunch of fucking eels!
Harried Young Man in a beanie. If the right actor cannot be found, this part could be played by the right beanie.
Nose-Ringed Young Woman. Could this part be played by a mini Totoro-themed backpack, white Converse high tops, or Glossier Boy Brow? What do women want? Consult New York Magazine’s online shopping guide The Strategist for what’s most “can’t live without” in this demographic, then close your eyes, pray to the gods of fast fashion, and cast that.
Toddlers With Infectious Nasal Discharge could be played by six strollers filled with glue.
The Baker/Owner. Must be always yelling about how life was better when lard was an acceptable fat. Could be played by “Cakes With Threatening Auras” on Instagram or Ben Shapiro’s eyebrow if it’s looking for acting work.
The Scone-Haver. The commedia dell’arte archetype of “the Fool” or “the Idiot” because, hello, this place has the shittiest, pale scone. Will be played by a exhausted, bewildered a small-town Irish exchange student tourist who somehow got separated from her DC tour bus. Welcome to America.
The Playwright, a mercurial egotistical INFP, is absolutely firm that he be played by a five-foot-tall ostrich-plumed fountain pen scribbling on a folio of vellum. Unless Cate Blanchett is available. In which case, the pen and vellum is like, whatever, “just a brain fart, I’m sure Shakespeare had them too. By all means, let Cate weave her tapestry of me!”
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