Christ Returns!
A brief visit from a damned no-good socialist.
It was a Thursday afternoon when Jesus came down through the clouds over the Roosevelt Bridge and, with a snap of his fingers, struck dead three U.S. House members and a pair of senators enjoying their last lunch together. “Just to get people’s attention,” He said when later asked if that part was really necessary.
The first thing that everyone noticed — well, everyone except the surviving customers in a nearby diner who were startled by the sudden keeling over of the five occupants of the corner booth — was that He was immensely tall, sixty feet in fact. He landed by the Lincoln Reflecting Pool and then stepped into it, or in biblical terms, onto it, and strode eastward across the water. It was a striking image, though given His immense size, not particularly impressive to anyone familiar with the pool’s depth.
He raised his arms and bellowed, christlike, “My Children! Come! Hear what I say unto you for It is I, your Lord God, with a Message!” Then, having dispensed with expectations, “I’ll give the major networks ten minutes to get someone here, then I’ve got something important to say.”
Ten minutes and hundreds of car crashes later, the Message commenced. What follows is part of a CNN article which, in yet another example of the fall of journalism, did not simply reproduce the Message. On the other hand, the Baptist Times did print the speech in its “holy original form” without editorialization . In fact, they did so nonstop for twelve days, after which they went out of business due to the massive contemporaneous increase in the cost of red ink.
CNN, who was less deferential to God but smarter in matters of business, wrote this:
On Thursday the Son of God, by experts’ reports 120 feet tall, delivered what Twitter users are calling The Sermon on the Swamp.
“It has come to my attention that half of your leaders have been using me to get your votes for quite some time now. I am here to tell you that this is, in a phrase, a bad joke.”
Jesus admonished that His teachings promoted supporting the meek, feeding the hungry, and generally taking care of the world “that I gave you for free, by the way. And look what you’ve done with it.”
Christ wagged a city-bus-sized finger and went on to explain that He did not condone corporate tax breaks, marginalizing people for things they couldn’t hope to change, making diabetics choose between insulin or rent, nor hoarding massive wealth. “Usually, one house is enough,” He scolded. “That bit about a rich man getting into Heaven and a camel going through the eye of a needle? I mean, for My sake, it’s all written down guys.
“I’ll be honest, after it became clear a few hundred years back that the priests were dropping the ball rather spectacularly and I let you all learn to read the Bible for yourselves, I figured all this stuff would become obvious pretty quick.”
The large Christ then turned to a nearby group of kneeling and gently quaking priests, and muttered, “I have more I could say about you, but I won’t. Everyone knows what you’ve been up to.”
CNN can report that all but one of those priests has since renounced the Catholic Church and taken jobs in finance. The other was quietly promoted to Bishop, relocated, and has not been seen since. Later asked for comment, the Pope said, “¿Qué?” and logged off Zoom.
Toward the end of His speech, Jesus denounced demagogues, people who lie “for really any reason except getting out of a really bad date,” and, astonishingly, the entire current elected body of the Republican Party.
“Most of those folks are going, uh . . . ” the Son of God frowned and pointed down, “if you catch my drift.”
Jesus, gathering up his robes in bank-sized fists, finished with a christly jest: “Also, no one without a covid vaccine gets into Heaven!” He laughed, “I’m just kidding guys, relax. Anyway, see you!” And with a flash and a whoosh he disappeared up into the sky.
Local postman Jacob Schwartz was rendered blind by the bright light accompanying Jesus’ sudden ascension. Asked how that made him feel . . .
The article went on.
That night, the heads of frothing conservative cable news hosts yelled above pulsing chyrons: “Christ Returns: Delivers Scathing Rebuke to Liberals”; “Jesus Praises Conservative Values: Confirms What Patriots Have Known All Along”; and “Five Recently Vaccinated GOP Congressman Die Suddenly At Lunch.”
Republicans across the country raised $800 million in twenty-four hours.
After the few million copies of the former Baptist Times were well enough proliferated that most people had read the actual transcript of the Message, the same media and politicians changed tact.
“Jesus is a communist!” screamed one governor. Asked to define communist, the governor responded, “Jesus is a socialist!” Many biblical scholars were forced to admit that the governor’s second accusation was mostly true.
A freshman congresswoman from Colorado asserted on a morning radio show, just after a segment about a new air-fryer chambered in 9mm, “That wasn’t Jesus. Many are saying it was a bunch of ANTIFA piled into a giant robe.”
Fox News produced a three-hour special titled Jesus: Son of God, or Undocumented “Dreamer”? Fifteen minutes in, the narrator switched to pronouncing it hay-zeus.
Bill O’Reilly published a revised edition of Killing Jesus featuring a new chapter describing how he would actually, if given the chance, kill Jesus.
Rush Limbaugh remained dead and said nothing.
After this drastic change in party messaging, the original stories were forgotten and another $800 million was raised. Republicans reclaimed the House and Senate in the following midterm elections.
Jacob Schwartz’ sight was restored after an embarrassed Jesus realized what happened.
Nothing else changed.
