Christmas Movie Sequels For Germaphobes
After recklessly eating gum peeled from a subway entrance, Buddy the Elf is diagnosed with Hepatitis A.
Root Canal on 38th Street
Little Susan is rushed to the dentist with an acute abscess. “Susie,” Mrs. Walker says, “I told you to stop chewing bubble gum in bed — especially that disgusting pre-chewed wad you keep in your weird little box.”
Frosty AF
The day after her snowman adventures, Karen comes down with double bronchitis. Too late, her parents rethink the wisdom of sending a kid to school, in December, wearing a miniskirt and no tights.
The Nightmare After Scabies
Santa settles into an armchair in Christmas Town, trying to forget his run-in with Oogie Boogie. Then the itching starts: all the bugs that dropped into his beard at Oogie’s have burrowed under his skin and laid eggs. “Jackass,” says Mrs. Claus. “Why didn’t you grab a fine-toothed comb the second you got back?”
A Charlie Brown Crust-Mess
Christmas pageant + close quarters + Pigpen = a ringworm outbreak so bad that adults actually show up to help.
The Santa Clause His Way Back
Scott Calvin learns the hard way that if you enjoy cookies, but not reindeer-borne brucellosis, you’d better keep Purell in your sleigh. After he recovers, the elves make him personally shoot vectors Dasher and Comet.
How the Grinch Stole Grandma and Grandpa!
Well, of course all the Whos, from the large to the least,
Vomit up every bite they’ve consumed of roast beast —
It had sat in the Grinch’s foul sleigh till their feast!
Some recover, but some, very soon, are deceased.
At the Funeral Home Alone
In the month following Christmas, every member of Kevin’s family winds up with tetanus. “I don’t get it,” Mr. McCallister says with his dying breath. “Where the hell did all these glass shards and rusty nails come from?”
Nine Circles of Elf
A couple weeks after recklessly eating gum peeled from a subway entrance, Buddy the Elf is diagnosed with Hepatitis A. And yes, thanks to that raccoon in Central Park, he also has rabies. He lurches around the Upper West Side, his chin coated with froth. “Help!” onlookers tell 911. “It’s a creepy Santa in a green jacket!” Before the cops shoot Buddy, he leads them on a high-speed chase through several revolving doors.
The Pulmonary Express
Winter + long train ride + dozens of kids = an RSV outbreak so bad that the Express gets rerouted to the Mayo Clinic.
It’s a Wonderful Time for a Closed Casket
“My mouth’s bleedin’, Bert!” Oh, how that exclamation haunts George Bailey as he lies in the ER with gangrene, wishing he’d washed and bandaged his lip before he spent a night handling microbe-coated cash donations. Alas, his wishes go unheard: the moment Clarence the angel got his wings, he flew off to drink flaming rum punch in Bora Bora.
What the Dickens?
As a known advocate of anti-pandemic measures, including extreme social distancing and avoidance of holiday superspreaders, Ebenezer Scrooge is knighted.
