Clarifying Questions For My Vegetarian Sister-In-Law

Just so there’s no awkwardness.

Photo by Element5 Digital via Unsplash

Dear Jodi,

So thrilled you, Steve, and little Anabelle will be joining us this T-Day! I received your gentle reminder that the three of you are vegetarians, but I do have some clarifying questions:

• Remind me: do you eat dairy?
• And does that include eggs?
• Also remind me: are you still screwing my husband?
• And does that include full penetration?
• Any allergies I should know of, like gluten, perhaps?
• Or latex, more materially?
• For your main course, is Tofurky okay?
• And while I’m busy plating that weird fake meat of yours, Jodi, will you be busy slobbing on my husband’s knob in my basement half-bath?
• If yes to the above, might you please refrain from using my “It’s Fall, Y’all!” hand towel for cleanup?
• Conversely, will you please use my autumn harvest hand sanitizer before moving your sinning paws from my husband’s standard issue phallus and back onto the arranged Colby-Jack cubes?
• Tell me, does my brother (a) know you’re a filthy home wrecker, or are you (b) quieter about your affairs than you are about your tiresome meatlessness?
• Or perhaps (c) you’re as callously unconcerned about marital fidelity as you are about forcing a sister-in-law to Google the subtle difference between three-grain tempeh and wild rice tempeh?
• Also, is Anabelle going to make our family centerpiece again this year?
• If so, are we all to pretend both you and that glue-stained hand turkey are decent?
• Furthermore, is it okay to put those fried onion things on my green bean casserole?
• And can Pete put candied pecans in his signature cranberry sauce, or are my husband’s sweet nuts only for your dirty mouth?
• And hey, do you mind bringing those amazing Parker House rolls we had on that random day we all met up last March?
• You must know I know it wasn’t a coincidence that the bakery was next to a Planned Parenthood, right? Not being an abject idiot like my brother, Jodi, I realize Roe v. Wade is the thing for which you’re most thankful this year.
• Will Uncle Ray’s famous cured ham sicken you?
• Relatedly, will your uncured STIs sicken me?
• Actually, thinking about it further, Jodi: since I’m unfamiliar with veg cooking, do you even trust me to prepare your dishes myself?
• I mean, should you trust me? You only said no animal products, and rat poison contains zero point zero rats.
• While I have you, Jodi: are you as determined to kill my and Steve’s parents with your churlish infidelities as you seem to be?
• Because you know there’s no inheritance, right?
• Seriously, Jodi, can you explain to me why you are the way you are?
• Do you have to be sooo Jodi, Jodi?
• Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble, Jodi, can you maybe stop off on your way and grab a bag of ice?
• I’ve also been meaning to tell you: I saved some of Kaya’s old dresses, so maybe they’ll fit Anabelle?
• After all, my family’s sloppy seconds are sort of your thing, eh Jodi?
• And hey, before I forget: are you still drinking (because I sure as shit am, LOL!)
• Tequila? Vodka? Any mixers (*other than other women’s husband’s sperm, meaning)?
• Oh, and for dessert: should we just do pies?
• Also, what do you think my husband even sees in you, Jodi?
• I’m guessing it’s that you’re willing to do anal?
• Ooh, and maybe we’ll throw in a fruit salad, too?
• Is regular coffee okay, or should I put up decaf?
• Or maybe, Jodi, you’d like me to hand-pull some cappuccinos so you can sneak off for one last hand-pulling of my husband?
• That reminds me: can you also bring a sleeve of to-go coffee cups?
• Finally, Jodi, let me ask: do you think Pete should have that weird bump on his left ball checked out?
• Does it look like it’s gotten bigger to you?
• And is three o’clock an okay start time?

Appreciate it, Jodi. I know it’s a lot!

It’s just nice to know that, even though your family won’t get to experience Pete’s famous fried turkey (tasty, if not much to look at), you, specifically, will get to enjoy his infamously straying sausage (ditto).

Warmly,

Liz

P.S. Maybe two bags of ice, if they’re small.

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