Classic movies rebooted for 2018
Because Hollywood loves reboots.
My take on what a few classic movies might look like if they were rebooted today:
Glengarry Glen Ross
The plot is about a startup in Silicon Valley that’s bleeding VC money. Notable quote: “Put that Soylent down!”
Taxi Driver
Travis Bickle now drives for Lyft and Uber. He’s got a 2-star rating. He’s not a great conversationalist. Nor does he offer little amenities like mints or water. (Starring Tom Hardy?) Instead of going postal on everyone, he leaves super long screeds on Facebook that concern all his friends. They encourage him to seek professional help. He does, and with some hard work, his attitude completely turns around. The movie ends with him leading a fulfilling life in the hospitality industry.
On The Waterfront
James Franco plays Terry Malloy, who could’ve been an MMA champion. That is, until he threw a big Pay-Per-View fight to appease the Russians, who are trying to destabilize the American institution of ultimate fighting.
The Graduate
So this would be a reverse 50 Shades of Grey. The young male graduate, taking a gap year before trying his hand at being a travel blogger on Instagram, is enticed into BDSM by the older Mrs. Robinson. (Played by Helen Mirren?) Sia would write all the songs on the soundtrack.
Citizen Kane
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Charles Foster Kane, who owns a huge digital media company, but longs for simpler days with his cherished childhood iPad that had all his favorite games on it. (We hear him say “iPad” with his dying breath at the beginning of the film.)
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
Seth Rogen and James Franco and gang reboot this to be a hilarious stoner comedy-western.
The Birds
Michael Bay directs this one. There are CGI birds fucking everywhere. Swooping in and attacking people. But they’re not just crows. They’re some kind of alien-robot species of birds. It’s an allegory about global warming and environmentalism.
(Ed. note: I was just informed that this is actually, really happening. Pure coincidence! What a world!)
Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace
J.J. Abrams would just remake Phantom Menace to correct history. It’d be better. No Jar Jar.
