Claudius, Come See This Play I Put On About A King Who Keeps Leaving His Dirty Dishes In The Sink
This just seems like the best way to avoid confrontation.
HORATIO: Ay, my lord.
HAMLET: There is a play tonight before the King, one scene of it comes near the circumstance which I have told thee of dirty dishes being left in the sink. I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot, observe mine uncle. If his occulted guilt does not itself unkennel in one speech, then my imaginations are foul and perhaps they are someone else’s dishes. But give him heedful note! For he is the only one who uses the “I ❤ NY” mug, and mine eyes will rivet to his face to see how he responds.
HORATIO: I shall, my lord.
Danish march. Sound a flourish, Enter King CLAUDIUS, Queen GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN and other lords in attendant with CLAUDIUS’s guard carrying torches.
HAMLET: They are coming to the play, get you a place.
Trumpets sound. The show begins. Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly at dinner. They finish their meal and immediately wash their dishes in the sink. They part ways as the Queen goes upstairs to her bedchamber and the King washes his dish, then returns to the dining hall. Anon comes in a fellow, just after finishing a meal, puts his dirty dishes in the sink, and exits. The Queen returns, finds the dishes in the sink, and makes action. The fellow comes in again, seeming to condemn the dishes in the sink with her. The fellow points to the dining hall, as if to blame the King for the abandoned plate and cup. The Queen seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end, accepts that must be the case and begrudgingly washes the dish herself.
OPHELIA: What means this oddly specific presentation, my lord?
HAMLET: Marry, this is mischief.
PLAYER KING: Our meal hath ended, but my what delicacies we enjoyed.
PLAYER QUEEN: Ay, come now, let us wash our dishes and do the bare minimum of being a good roommate.
PLAYER KING: But of course, I shall gather the extra forks and knives from the table and come wash them after you wash your dish.
PLAYER QUEEN: Ah yes, I shall meet you upstairs once the washing is done.
HAMLET: Madam, how like you this play?
GERTRUDE: The lady washes too much, methinks.
CLAUDIUS: What do you call this play?
HAMLET: The Inconsiderate Man-Child. This play is the image of an inconsiderate act done in Vienna. Gonzago is the duke’s name. He’s a real asshole.
LUCIANUS: Thoughts black, hands apt, plates dirty, and time agreeing. Confederate season, else no housemate seeing. (puts dirty dishes in the sink)
HAMLET: He leaves his dirty dishes in the sink for someone else to clean. You shall see anon how the man child blames it on someone else.
CLAUDIUS stands up
OPHELIA: The king rises.
HAMLET: What, frightened with false dishwashing?
GERTRUDE: How fares my lord?
POLONIUS: Give o’er the play.
CLAUDIUS: Give me some light, away! (turns to HAMLET) Passive-aggressive prick!