Climate Change Projected to Drive Global Demand for Furby
On January 22, 2019, Bloomberg published statements from Apple, Google, Home Depot, and Wells Fargo — among others — claiming climate change would encourage company growth. Apple touted the iPhone’s flashlight function as a plus in emergencies, and a representative for Google referred to drastic geological changes as an “opportunity driver” for mapping service Google Earth.
Here is a memo that was left out of the report.
Dear Hasbro shareholders,
Many of you have expressed dismay regarding global climate change’s long-term effect on international markets. We hear and understand these concerns, and are taking them seriously as we formulate our strategy going forward. Although the idea of a global climate incident is of no small significance, we believe unpredictable weather events will ultimately drive company growth, due in no small part to demand for our robust line of Furby toys and accessories.
As the earth becomes increasingly uninhabitable, Furby has only become more and more interactive. With the 2014 launch of Furby Boom, mobile app integration has emboldened users to play with Furby in new and unexpected locales. These could include a costal city in the midst of a tropical storm, the edge of a tectonic rift, and the tip of an iceberg that has been slowly melting for the past 100 years. Truly, with Furby’s suite of apps, the imagination — and the capacity of the human body to endure meteorological extremes — is the limit.
Not only is Furby’s electronic reach wider than ever, Furby’s physical capabilities are not to be underestimated in a crisis. Furby’s light-up LCD eyes easily double as a flashlight to guide the way during weather-related power outages or in secure bunkers. Furthermore, with a specialized crank and some rechargeable AA batteries, Furby can be manually powered at the owner’s convenience, which is a wise and totally normal investment of time and energy.
Surrounded by rising water? This is the perfect time to give Furby some tactile attention, cradling its plush fur to soothe anxiety. To this end, we are considering adding an inflatable component to Furby’s interior, so that it may be used as a small but functional personal flotation device. Also, Furby can also dance now, which will pass the time as Furby owners await rescue from the National Guard, if that’s still a thing.
We understand that not all climate change involves warming: in a cold-weather emergency, multiple Furbies can be skinned to create outerwear. By our calculations, about six Furbies equal one scarf, sixteen can create a jacket, and twenty or more will get you a full-on Mad Max kind of look. We recognize that seeing a Furby without its eponymous fur is terrifying, but eventually we all do what we must to survive.
On an interpersonal level, we expect Furby to continue to connect with its target audience, as relatable phrases like “AH-TAH, MUST EAT” become all too common. Although Furby has previously acquired a reputation as a pest, we feel that Furby’s fun-loving, spunky attitude will be seen a balm while earth transforms into an untamed hellscape, endowing it with unprecedented cultural caché. We don’t want to say ‘Wilson in Castaway’ but… think Wilson in Castaway.
When two Furbies meet and converse, it’s a beautiful thing. That’s why we firmly believe the power of Furby’s voice will bring displaced families together, with its signature vocalizations “A-LOH? (Where is the light?)” “WAH! (Aaagh!)” and “DAH NO-LA (Let’s party!)” having semi-echolocative properties*. Furbish is — and will always be — a universal language.
Should climate change run its full course, we are — at best — uniquely positioned to gain billions in revenue from the Furby brand. At worst, we can expect Furby to serve a final brave and glorious purpose as it is torn apart for scraps.
The team at Hasbro
*within a 5–7 foot radius.