Climate Scientist: I Will Be 4 Degrees Hotter By 2030
An inconvenient truth — for my haters.
Rising sea levels. Raging wildfires. My ex Jessica’s final letter before she moved back to Austin.
I’ve studied these phenomena as a climate scientist for years, and I have come to an inescapable conclusion: I will be at least four degrees hotter by 2030.
The data does not lie, and my goal of becoming an absolute snicky-snack in the next decade is numerically assured. Evidence abounds both in laboratory settings — my colleagues have made repeated note of my broadening shoulders and surgically enhanced hairline — and the “real world,” where I regularly shower, experiment with cologne, and wear jeans that fit my swelling quadriceps.
As a climate scientist, I was trained to analyze complex sets of data and to make educated predictions about future conditions. Here, based on my own observations, are several:
- Seasons will change: Rather than winter, summer, spring, and fall, it will be hot boy summer all the time.
- With just a two-degree increase in my hotness, the second-order effects of the change…
