Coach Taylor from “Friday Night Lights” Gives Me a Pep Talk in the Dressing Room at Macy’s
Let me tell you something: When we left JCPenney empty-handed last month, everybody wrote us off. Everybody. Every shopper in that mall said, “She wants a pair of jeans that fit, but we don’t think she has what it takes to try on enough pairs. She has to give up and wear sweatpants.”
But here we are in the women’s casual wear section at Macy’s. Trying, once again, to find you some jeans, even though you say you hate shopping. Because you’ve been wearing the same threadbare jeans for a year and I tell you what: people are staring to notice.
We are here at Macy’s because it carries different denim brands than JCPenney and, as you and I know very well, each brand is cut slightly differently.
Now, we’ve been at this store for an hour. I’ve got my arms crossed and my eyebrows furrowed. You’re sitting on that upholstered stool, sweat dripping down your face. And we’re staring at a bunch of jeans that you tried on and cast aside because, well, something’s a little bit off about each of them. And I get that.
But listen to me. Listen to me closer than you’ve ever listened to me before. You’ve got heart, charisma, and a lot of skill. I believe you can do anything you put your mind to. And I believe you can head back to those racks and find at least 50 more pairs of high-rise, relaxed-fit jeans to try on today.
We’re gonna find that just-right fit. Those pants are out there. We’re gonna find those pants with no gap at the waist. Those pants with a little extra room in the seat. Those pants with stretch — but not that much stretch because by the end of the day, your pants are gonna be so loose you’ll need suspenders to keep you decent. And suspenders are an entirely separate shopping trip.
We will all, at some point in our lives, fall. Sometimes we’ll fall when we’re hopping on one foot and trying to squeeze into jeans that are a size too small. And we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. It is this pain that allows us to look inside ourselves and remember that we can find jeans that will take us from day to evening and look good with everything from a casual sweater to a smart blazer.
You will wear these pants to work, to the movies with friends, and to that guinea pig convention I’ve heard you talking about. You’ll even wear these jeans on a date. Yes, I said “date.”
You’re gonna have to try on as many pairs as it takes. If that brand called Not Your Daughter’s Jeans fits you the best, buy a few pairs, even if you’re more the age of the daughter. No one has to see the label.
You say you usually wear a size 10, but you’re gonna get each pair in size 8, 10, and 12 because, like I said before, you never know how each brand is going to fit. I would throw in a few mid-rise, classic fit varieties just in case. Straight leg is probably your best bet, but put some boot-cut in your shopping cart, as well. Because in the world of denim, nothing is standardized.
Look for jeans in unexpected places. They’re in stacks on the tables and — hear me when I say this — under the tables, as well. Could that sale rack in the corner be an opportunity? We’ll only know if you scan it.
It’s time for you to give the best you’ve got to find those pants. This is your time, and this is your chance because the store closes at 9 p.m. And I know you don’t want to come back here for another year or two because this place can overwhelm one’s sensory system like an airport before a holiday.
I’m proud to storm this department store with you. Let’s stack up some jeans, haul ’em in here, and make final decisions. You are a champion, and champions give 200%. Clear eyes, full cart, can’t lose!
