Come On Over But Only If You’re Cool With Boogers On Every Surface In My House
Make yourself comfortable in my booger haven!
Welcome to my home! Come in, come in! I’m so excited to finally have you over. It’s one thing to have witty banter over 2-for-1 margs but I really prefer a casual night in of getting to know each other. Plus, now that I’ve seen your place, it’s time to show you mine! Have a seat on the couch while I get you a drink. Alright, here you go, time to get comfy! There’s a coaster right there for your cocktail. What? Is something wrong with the coaster? Oh! Just give it a good shake, it’s probably got a few boogers stuck to it. No, no, I didn’t lie on the app about not having any children. The boogers are mine. I can tell by your ghastly reaction that you’re disgusted by this but please, let me put your mind at ease.
Have you ever sniffled and felt a booger in your nose and it is just SUCH a nuisance? You want to go about your day, but you feel this booger lodged in your nose hole and suddenly you cannot possibly concentrate on anything other than freeing your nostril from this boog? So naturally, you use your God-given booger pickers to fish it on out. But then once you drag it out, you realize it’s one of those half hard, half gooey little fellas and the only possible solution to get rid of it is to wipe it somewhere. I’m certainly not going to wipe it on MYSELF. And everyone knows eating boogers is for disgusting toddlers. So, I will simply find the nearest hard surface to deposit the unwanted goop. This could be a coaster, under the couch, the coffee table, under the night stand, etc. The options really are endless!
What about a tissue, you ask? Tissues are exclusively for blowing your nose. Tissues were created to handle a full load of snot and that’s about it. Why waste an entire tissue on a tiny booger? I’m on a budget, man, and those extra soft tissues with a box that matches my decor aren’t cheap. Allergy season alone is enough to make me blow through boxes at warp speed and you think I’m gonna wipe every booger that tickles my schnoodle in a fresh brand-name Kleenex? Get outta here! I’m not even going to broach the topic of those who wrap their finger in a tissue to pick their nose. Ugh. That’s like trying to text with mittens on. We were born with slender digits. Use them! I don’t care if it looks like I’m scratching my brain (jeeze, you sound like my dad.) At the end of the day, I lay my head on my booger-free pillow (gotta draw the line somewhere) knowing that I’ve reached peak comfort because anytime I felt a problem poking at my inner nostrils, I immediately eliminated it. That’s some real solution-oriented big brain thinking there.
By the way that you just furiously re-downloaded Hinge while I was speaking, I assume that maybe you do not agree with my next-level approach to everyday bothers. I’m starting to feel a little judged in my own home, which should be my safe space, my booger haven, so to speak. You’re getting up to leave because you feel as though maybe our values don’t line up?! Sorry that I VALUE getting the dirt OUT of my body so that I can live my best toxin-free life. You know what, bro, I was willing to let it slide that you have a pet chinchilla who takes dust baths directly next to your bed and you can’t even put up with a few rogue crusties stuck to the coaster? A dusty environment produces MORE boogers, by the way! Honestly, I just don’t know how this is going to work. You’re really up on a high horse for someone that shares sleeping quarters with a dirty rodent by choice. I think you should leave.
Watch your step! There’s typically a mountain of crusty nose stalagmites on the floor closest to the couch. You see, that’s where I spend the majority of my time getting some prime pickins. There’s nothing like kicking back after a long day, flipping the TV on (bet you’re glad you didn’t touch the remote yet) and poking around to see what kind of crustaceans grew in my schnozz that day. It’s an unwinding after-work routine for me and as you may know, not all boogers are created equal. Some are hard and pointy and once I extricate those from my nozzle, I can perform a flawless flick. There’s no telling what kind of air a boog can get so they really could be anywhere on the carpet. Since you’re so close-minded, it’s probably best that you act like the floor is lava on the way out, except it’s not lava, it’s boogers. Relax, it’s not like it’ll kill you. Oh whatever, you think you’re better than me?! I wasn’t going to point out this red flag but when I asked what you wanted to drink you requested a Negroni, which is a little on the nose for a snot like you! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! No seriously, don’t, it’ll probably rain boogers.
