Communication Styles For Dysfunctional Relationships
Demonic Possession remains the most common method of expressing anger for women.
Passive-Assertive: Often bizarre and graphically sexual. Subject is able to express feelings openly, though this is accomplished only by means of sleep-induced mumblings.
Assertive-Aggressive: Announces confidently their unhinged diatribe will begin in exactly twelve minutes. Use of props is common. Example: a second-hand judge’s gavel that punctuates their list of thoughtfully constructed grievances.
Effigy-Aggressive: Transports via Red Wagon an extensive doll collection whose countenances are eerily akin to friends, family, coworkers, and that one barista. Periodically punches, wrings neck, or enacts intricate 18th century guillotine scene onto a doll with an uncanny resemblance of the person who last offended them.
Passive²: After spending a pleasant day together, they reveal a graph plotting every perceived slight from the last five years. When asked why conflicts weren’t simply brought up in-the-moment, they offer a peer reviewed article regarding the importance of longitudinal studies. If presented with accusations of petty behavior, they will offer Logic 101 tutorials in order to “keep future conversations factual”.
Instagram Post: Popularized by millennials who obtain cognitive behavioral therapy exclusively through social media. Central characteristic is narrating minutiae of perceived victimization yet refrains from tagging other party because they’re not a complete sociopath.
Zodiac Sign: One’s core characteristics are routinely taunted, yet offense is not deemed appropriate since stated flaws are considered granted by The Universe. Water signs Pisces and Cancer are habitually targeted; they combat mistreatment through use of sleep-induced mumblings (see Passive-Assertive).
Interpretive Dance: Closely associated to Stockholm Syndrome. The grieved person gyrates and jazz-hands until those in close proximity succumbs to their demands because watching this deranged dancing is exhausting.
New Me: Frequently mistaken for dissociative personality disorder. Unique in that their black market birth certificate, Social Security and Costco Executive Membership cards are provided prior to switching into alternative persona. All former grievances are deemed null and void as subject has quite literally become a different person.
Literal Gaslighting: Also known as Pyro-Aggressive. The offended party practices absolute avoidance during conflict in favor of filling their newly regarded enemy’s home with natural gas, followed by lighting a match.
Demonic Possession: Characterized by full body convulsions along with a cacophony of unintelligible screeches that your neighborhood Catholic priest later determines is the ancient language Aramaic. Remains the most common method of expressing anger for women.
Non-Artistic Mural: Functions as a means to announce feelings of hatred, though, in rare occasions, used to proclaim undying love. Visual communiqué is constructed through use of “found object” materials, such as blood and/or mammalian feces.
Copy-Cat: Involves mimicry of one’s opponent. Frequently practiced by the emotionally stunted, especially common in the failed improv comedian demographic. If interaction cannot be avoided, proceed with caution as interfaces often lead to (regretful) sexual liaisons since all people are basically narcissists who can’t resist an opportunity to “boink” themselves.
Bathroom Mirror: Shares attributes of Non-Artistic Mural and Demonic Possession. Criticisms are covertly communed upon a foggy bathroom mirror and The Showerer is led to believe the discourteous script was penned by a poltergeist who just so happens to agree 100% with your partner.
Erotic Whisper: Subject asks if the other party wishes to engage carnally with a plate of spaghetti. Respondent experiences internal conflict, as original plan was to merely eat the spaghetti, but being questioned with such amatory connotation leads to doubt, resulting in respondent panic-boinking spaghetti. Future manipulation is achieved by means of sexual shaming.
