Congratulations! You’re The New Social Media Voice Of Sauerkraut!
Congratulations and “Willkommen bei Sauerkraut” (welcome to sour cabbage)! After a lengthy application and interview process, we have selected you as the new social media intern for the recently rebranded SKK (Sauerkraut-und-Kohl-Konglomerat).
Now, we’ll take as many Brad Leone from Bon Appetit memes as you can throw at us, but frankly, we need more. Last month’s very large translation and cultural mixup was devastating. The sooner we move on from the more alliterative Kraut und Kohl Konglomerat, the better. We have shredded and burned all our non-SKK signage.
We at the SKK (or rather, our intern, Jacksen, who has since left for a startup “like Twitch but for secret shoppers”) have examined Twitter’s most popular online brands. Turns out, Denny’s, Moon Pies, Wendy’s, and Taco Bell all ‘clap back’ on a regular basis. There is space for SKK sauerkraut to join these brash, bold Twitter accounts that go viral.
We need you to curate a fun Twitter account that jolts the world with audacity and impudence. We envisage people everywhere looking up from their phones in happy shock, saying “What!? The SKK gonna slay all day, no cap! I am dead. Welp, finna add sauerkraut to the ol’ shopping list.”
To help you find the voice of our tasty effervescent cabbages, a previous intern, Jaksun (now at a startup ‘like Oatly but for cars’), “yeeted” us a “highkey lit” list of words. This list is stapled firmly to all of our cubicles. Although we do not fully understand the language we are using, we hope you will feel at home bandying around words like “shook,” “yeet,” and “mood.” Looking at the mini-lexicon, we are very excited at the acronym potential of “sksksk” (sauerkraut sauerkraut sauerkraut).
We believe in you. You will become THE voice of SKK sauerkraut for the 2020s. Your facility with words leads us to believe you will make Bavaria’s favorite briny borscht into the next viral Twitter brand.
Let us cut the scheisse. You are in Gen Z and we are a bunch of “Alles klar Babyboomers.” We need our fizzy vegetable to become a sassy online brand that claps back fierce. In short, this is your license to “go off, King, Queen or Non-Binary Monarch” (thanks again to Jaksun for the lexicon). We trust that you understand both our sentiment and the words we just used.
Yes, it was mostly the previous acronym’s fault, but we are sick and tired of tweets calling our product “bad salad, putrescent crucifers, decomposed produce, moldy coleslaw, old pierogi innards and rotting rueben guts.” It’s time to yeet out the old and yoink in the new.
All right! Let’s meet the team:
- Our Facebook account is run by Jaxen (whom we poached from a startup “like Hyperloop One but for snacks”) even though they say Facebook is “mostly Boomers. Mostly.” Jaxen relies on our sauerkraut for a healthy gut.
- Our Instagram manager, Steve, (Jaacsin for short), recently founded a startup “like Beyond Meat but for drones” yet (they claim) they still have enough time to work with us. Jaacsin thinks our sauerkraut goes best on vegan franks.
- Jaxxun is heading up the TikTok division. Their CV said they studied contemporary dance at UCB. We don’t understand TikTok and we refuse to even try, but we believe Jaxxun is curating “pure fire, period.” Jaxxun’s favorite use of our fermented cabbage leaf is to make homemade latkes “extra.”
- YOU! You will manage our Twitter campaign and dabble in creating Snapchat content despite Jaxxun claiming it is “over” because of TikTok. In the interest of transparency, you have been hired to replace Jacsoehn who was stolen by a tech startup best described as “Boston Dynamics but for fair trade chocolate.”
Our bubbly brassica awaits your nuanced “zoomer” verbiage! We want person (and we cannot stress this enough) ality. We want sass. We want our glib, impertinent, mouthy probiotic foliage to break the World Wide Web.
Danke, dass du unser flippiges Sauerkraut geworden bist (thanks for becoming our flippant decayed cabbage leaves).
Sincerely,
Sauerkraut-und-Kohl-Konglomerat (SKK).
PS. To avoid confusion, you will now be known only as JKSN.
