Congratulations! You’ve Been Unwittingly Selected To Help My Child Learn A Social Skill!
I know this must be very thrilling for you but I need you to focus because this is going to require a lot of heavy lifting on your end.
Congratulations! You’ve been randomly selected to help my child, who you do not know, learn a social skill! After reviewing many excellent candidates including but not limited to, the man who’s coffee my child kicked over and the woman who’s crotch was annihilated by a ball thrown by my kid, we have decided that you, person my small child ran into at top speed while you were talking on the phone, are the best person available at Gate B11!
This position will involve a prolonged social interaction with both me and my child wherein I hold you captive for as long as it takes for my boy (again, very small, just learning, new skills take a lot of time) to understand the concept of personal space and apologies. Boarding has started.
I see this as a win-win situation. You get to shape and mold a young mind and I get to perform the role of attentive parent. Sure, I could have chosen to intervene before he ran into you but where would the audience be for that? I consider myself extremely lucky to have you joining our team as you see, it’s going to be hard for me to teach my child about self-awareness as I don’t possess that trait myself.
The second aspect of this job is enduring the actual apology. I have heard you say “It’s okay” and “I’m fine” but I must insist that you stand silently while I coach him to say “sorry” while looking you in your eyes. He will undoubtedly squirm and resist. This will take us through the final boarding announcements.
Your compensation will come in the form of me sharing the thrill of child-rearing with you. Benefits of the job are that I assume that you find both me and my child incredibly charming and that this interaction will be a highlight of your day, dare I say, your life. I understand they are calling your name specifically now to board but please, wait until I can coach my lil munchkin into saying “bye-bye!” while waving. It really is the cutest thing!
