Crime Conference 2023: The Best Vehicles For Transporting Stolen Goods
Howdy. Ain’t no mystery why they hired me to talk transport for y’all’s little crime seminar. My record in picking vehicles for illicit hauling is widely known. Listen up, it’ll keep you out of the shack. Next slide.
Now, look here at this Camaro. I know what y’all are thinking about your rides: “Gonna get me a hot machine, gonna roll right through the center of town flinging candy out the windows like a magic shop on wheels.” Gonna end up in the shack. I seen some of you driving around here, looking like trollops headed for the Denny’s up on the bypass. Folks, this ain’t a beer commercial. You’re moving suspect materials from Point A to a second point, a drop. Now let me give some examples so y’all get the feel of identifying a proper auto. Next slide.
Ford Escape. Now before you turn up your snout, this little baby has plenty of storage and flies under the radar. Kind of like old El Chapo, just crawling through that sewage pipe, nothing to see here. This car lives up to its name, not unlike the professional golfer Tom Watson. He of the eight major championships. Next slide.
Tesla Model Y. It ain’t simple to get your paws on one of these bad boys, but it’s worth it. I expect more will be available if that Musk fellow keeps spouting off at the mouth. Now, one good thing is you won’t need to be out in the open at a gas station filling this baby up. By the same token, you don’t want to set up camp at one of them charging stations. She’s got factory tinted windows that cops don’t blink at. As of now, the law is writing these here Teslas off as being driven by people that invest in crypto verses folks getting paid in it. Still, you need to be mindful. You’re not under the high school bleachers making out with Tom Watson, you’re moving goods. And as much as that little rendezvous might be part of my own bucket list, you either stay focused or you’ll be headed straight to the shack. Next slide.
Well, I’ll be. Folks, this here slide is a picture of Tom Watson. British Open. 1979. Look at the size of that bag! I could caddy the heck out of that thing. “Certainly, Tom, allow me to assist with club selection. Allow me to check your lie, sir.” Mmm, mmm. That actually reminds me, if you do happen to get your paws on a Model Y, you’ll need to lay low. And don’t crack that baby up, you’ll be waiting 9 months for replacement parts. You’ll be laid up like Tom Watson when he rolled that go-kart last year. Wonder if he needs some kind of personal nurse, because my bedside manner is impeccable, and my availability is wide, wide open. Next slide.
Pontiac Vibe. Get you a model year between aught seven and aught nine. Do not sleep on the Vibe. These little suckers are dependable and they actually have nice lines. Almost like Tom Watson’s quadriceps, if you ask me. Now, look at the image there on the right, see it’s got a hatch so you can pack a fair amount of material in there. Kind of like…kind of, suffice to say you can conceal a lot of materials in there. Next slide.
Nissan Armada. This here SUV is named for a fleet of warships but is actually primarily used to ferry children to soccer practices. You kind of have to get in that mode if you want to use an Armada for your contraband. Go on, put on a wig. Can you picture professional golfer Tom Watson in a wig? Wearing one of them woman’s golf skirts? Shoot. Imagine if I was the law, say a motorcycle cop, imagine if I pulled over Tom Watson. Lordy! “Why hello, Miss Watson. I had you clocked at forty-seven in a twenty-five. Now, we can get you into county court on a reckless charge…or maybe we can make an arrangement of sorts. Maybe you’d like to step out of the vehicle and come back here, take a look at this hog?” Sorry, I got off on a tangent. Suffice to say you need to use your imagination a little to pull off the Armada moving stolen property thing. Next slide.
Now, in concluding this whole thing, I have showed y’all some examples which was really to get you thinking straight. Any car will work if you got the right mindset. You just don’t want to galivant down South Main in an El Camino blasting Sweet Home Alabama, because most of y’all is local and you’ll attract more attention than Tom Watson at a mini golf tournament. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to step outside. Is it hot as the shack in here, or is it just me?
