Daily Advice Column By Your Uber Driver

Uber driving is just my side hustle.

Rich Graham
Nov 26, 2019 · 3 min read
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Image via Pixabay

Dear Uber Driver:
My co-worker and I recently started dating. I wanted to keep it secret, but he told a few people, and I think the whole office knows about it. Now I want to break it off, but I’m afraid that our office relationship will suffer. What should I do?
— Secret in Seattle

Dear Secret:
Hi, Natalie. How’s your night going? You’re going to 3rd and Sunset, right? There’s some water back there if you want one, or a mint. Sorry I don’t have that new Samsung charger. Have you ever used an iPhone? I really like my iPhone, but it’s expensive! The seat is up as far as it will go. The Yaris is just a really small car.

Dear Uber Driver:
This year my husband and I are throwing a big Christmas party. We’ll have lots of food, drinks, and music, and games for the kids. My concern is that this is a definitely a Christmas-themed party: Christmas trees, Santa’s and Reindeer, and a manger scene. Two of the families are Jewish. What should I do?
— Ho Ho Ho in Hoboken

Dear Ho:
You can change the destination in the app on your phone. Here, let me see if I can do it for you. There you go. Would you care for a bottle of water, or a mint? Those are for my passengers. The air conditioning is on full blast, it’s just really warm outside. Water?

Dear Uber Driver:
My mother-in-law is a gossip. She constantly talks about all of her relatives and friends. Recently, a friend we have in common confided that she’d talked about us, revealing some very delicate, personal information! Her own son and his wife! What should I do?
— Fed Up In Fresno

Dear Fed:
Today I started kind of late, so I’ll probably drive until midnight. I’ll stop before all the bars close, try avoid the drunk people, you know? Have a bottle of water. The window on the passenger side won’t roll down.

Dear Uber Driver:
I work in a small office of seven people. The problem is that one of my co-workers reeks of body odor. The smell is all over the office, and when I get home my family can smell it on my clothes. Other co-workers have noticed it, too. She’s a nice, friendly person, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?
— Stinky in Schenectady

Dear Stinky:
You can tip on the app if you don’t want to tip cash. Have you heard of Kyani? It’s a superfood made with Wild Alaskan Blueberries. Here, take a brochure, I’m a distributor. Uber driving is just my side hustle. Help yourself to a mint, if you like. I can’t plug an aux cord into my radio, sorry.

Dear Uber Driver:
I’m almost 50, and I’m very unhappy with my career choices. I have a master’s degree, I’m successful, and well-liked in my industry. I’m just unfulfilled. I’m looking to make a career change, to a new field, completely unrelated to what I’m doing now. What should I do?
— Dreaming in Duluth

Dear Dreamy:
Didn’t you get my text messages? I’ve been in front of this restaurant for 5 minutes with my flashers on. This Yaris only has room for 4 passengers, you need to call another Uber, or an Uber XL if you want all 6 of you to ride together. I’m not going to cancel the trip. You have to cancel the trip in the app yourself. Please get out of my car. Please cancel the trip on the app, I can’t do it for you. Put that water back!

Slackjaw

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Rich Graham

Written by

Big time liberal. Host to 3 kidneys. Uncredited contributor to SNL.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Rich Graham

Written by

Big time liberal. Host to 3 kidneys. Uncredited contributor to SNL.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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